Pronunciation: Mar-A-Lago
Estimated Value: One human soul
Club Membership Fee: $20 (suggested donation)
Architectural Style: Mid-century gaudy
Notable Amenities: Marble bathrobes
Number Of Bathrooms: 2.5
Club Members Killed Annually By Falling Chandeliers: 23
Standard Room Features: Ocean view, four-post mahogany bed, prayer sign indicating direction of Mecca
Number Of Employees Members Are Allowed To Scream At: 2,500
Average Time Before Trespasser Is Shot: 13 seconds
Housekeeping: None of that bullshit where your towel only gets cleaned if you leave it on the floor
Volume Of Geriatric Ejaculate Dribbled Into Mistresses’ Hands Per Night On Premises: 312 ml
Number Of Presidential Press Conferences That Will Take Place There After A Mass Shooting Or Terrorist Attack: 7
Sordid History: Built by a woman
