Americans are projected to spend more than $600 billion during the 2013 holiday shopping season. Here is a breakdown of the average American consumer’s Christmas spending:
$80: Outdoor Christmas lights that prove you’re a fuckin’ somebody
$11: A corn-husk doll, new sewing patterns, and a small sack of brown sugar for the daughter of the family
$1,700: Candy canes
$110: Cocaine to stay up and watch for Santa
$10: Something for middle child
$24: Digital picture frame that will give Grandma something to struggle with until she dies
$140: Peppermint spice gasoline for holiday travel
$0: Another pocket-watch-for-hair-combs/hair-for-watch-chain fuckup again
$25: Elf poison
$0.06: One green and one red M&M
$8,000: Christmas dinner appearance fee for Pierce Brosnan
$517.83: New gaming console and impulse-buy Snickers
