‘What’s All This I’m Hearing About People Getting Security Clearances?’ Asks Confused Mike Pompeo To White House Staff Avoiding Eye Contact

WASHINGTON—Wondering if he had missed an important memo, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo reportedly appeared confused Tuesday as he asked, “What’s all this I’m hearing about people getting security clearances?” to a group of advisers in the West Wing trying to avoid eye contact. “I heard someone down the hall talking about badges of some kind—am I supposed to have one too?” the nation’s top diplomat said while straining to peek over White House innovation director Jared Kushner’s shoulder to read the confidential documents in his hand. “Does everyone have one of those lanyards except me? You guys would tell me if I should have gotten one, right? Maybe mine is still on its way. In the meantime, could you maybe just fill me in on any important stuff that happens? That’d be awesome.” At press time, sources confirmed Pompeo was standing outside the Situation Room and had decided it was probably best to just press his ear up to the door until someone realized he was missing from the meeting and came to let him in.