CHICAGO—Catching unsuspecting sources completely off guard with their remarks, the populace of the city of Chicago, entirely unprompted, announced Monday, “We get the food and then we eat the food until all the food is gone.”
Reporters—who had not made inquiries in regard to the topic and remained uncertain as to why it had been brought up at all—said that several moments of silence followed the abrupt declaration as all 10 million residents of the greater Chicago metropolitan area stood there, smiling broadly.
“We get the food first, and then we eat the food,” the populace of the third-largest American city said by way of clarification, reportedly interrupting confused sources as they attempted tentative responses. “Then when the food is gone, we go home and watch TV. Sometimes we eat the food during TV, too. Or sometimes after TV.”
“Then we go to sleep and in the morning we wake up, and then we get the food again,” residents continued.
Without being asked, citizens of the Windy City then reportedly listed several dozen of their favorite things to eat, including Chicago deep-dish pizza, Chicago-style hot dogs, pierogies, fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, and pork chops. During the litany of foods, “spaghetti and meatballs” was said to have been mentioned at least twice, evidently without residents noticing that they had repeated themselves.
“And hamburgers,” Chicago’s population said, brows unfurrowing following a moment of intense consideration.
The city’s populace then appeared to become distracted, reportedly slipping into a deep reverie that was evidently due to the food items they had just mentioned, with many mumbling “beef” and “cheese” under their breath and staring several yards in front of them, apparently at nothing.
“Hey,” Chicago residents said, tugging at reporters’ sleeves as they attempted to walk away, having assumed the interaction was over. “The food is good—when we eat the food and then all the food is gone, we don’t like that.”
“But then more food comes,” they added. “And when we get more food, we eat all of it. All the food.”
According to reports, the city of Chicago then said, “Okay, bye,” before ducking into a nearby Italian beef sandwich shop.
