The Onion: Dr. Fauci, thank you for meeting with us. We wanted to begin by asking—
Fauci: Yes, I’ve seen the cartoon drawings of me with a six-pack, and it’s flattering, obviously. I bought some for friends. It’s fun. I show them off at parties. I put them on my business card. It makes me laugh, you know? I put them up on my walls. I smile when I see them.
The Onion: What goes into planning a pandemic?
Fauci: I’m glad you asked, because it’s not so simple as releasing deadly viral pathogens into the air or water. Pandemics are created over time, as a result of millions of discrete decisions to, say, systematically deprive your population of functional healthcare, or encourage people to believe misinformation to the extent that a massive part of the population won’t believe anything an authority tells them. So in that case, the Covid epidemic took a while to prepare, but fortunately all the conditions that made this pandemic so successful are getting even better—for the next pandemic, that is.
The Onion: Oh God, please tell me it’s not a sexually transmitted virus, is it?
Fauci: No, we already tried that one a few decades ago.
The Onion: Where will the next pandemic originate?
Fauci: Right now we’ve narrowed it down to Venezuela and Russia, with Iran as a dark horse candidate, depending, of course, on our political needs.
The Onion: Has a Patient Zero been selected?
Fauci: Yes, but I can’t name them outright without risking them finding out. I’ll just say, if I were in middle management at one of Ohio’s quarry excavation equipment rental companies, I’d pay very close attention to what I’m eating for lunch over the next few years.
The Onion: When will the next pandemic hit?
Fauci: Oh, not for quite a while. 2022, at least.
The Onion: What type of P.P.E. will be needed for this one?
Fauci: Everyone will need oven mitts and a chef’s hat to ward off infection.
The Onion: What kinds of symptoms would you like to see in the next pandemic?
Fauci: First off, I want people to acknowledge the “long Covid” symptoms like crazy fatigue and loss of sense of taste, which are pretty fun and don’t get enough credit. But ultimately I’d love to see some boils.
The Onion: What will you do to combat misinformation during the next pandemic?
Fauci: Why would I tinker with our number one marketing tool?
The Onion: Are we gonna see a repeat of the toilet paper shortage?
Fauci: If you ever shit again, count yourself lucky.
The Onion: How can we punish the pangolin?
Fauci: The shame and guilt they’ll carry for the rest of their lives is punishment enough.
The Onion: Over-under on American deaths: 3 million?
Fauci: I’ll take the over.
The Onion: Will you be dying this time?
Fauci: I don’t want to spoil anything, but I guarantee there will be plenty of twists and surprises that will keep everyone on the edge of their seats.
The Onion: How are you able to plan a worldwide pandemic like the one we just experienced?
Fauci: Well, I can’t take all the credit. I rely on a lot of people who spread misinformation to make people distrust government and overcome the common sense needed to get vaccinated.
The Onion: Did you get Moderna, Pfizer, or Johnson and Johnson?
Fauci: What makes you think I was vaccinated? Seriously, I don’t want what’s in those needles, and neither do you.
The Onion: After what you’ve learned from Covid, is there anything you’d like to do differently in the next pandemic?
Fauci: Honestly, I was surprised how fast they made a vaccine. Especially under Trump, I thought no way they’ll do this. Next time we’re hoping to make it confusing enough that a vaccine will take two to three years minimum.
The Onion: How many people are working on the next pandemic?
Fauci: We’ve got a few people in government, but it’s actually mostly the private sector. You’d have to ask Purdue Pharma how many they’ve got on it.
The Onion: What can we do to prevent the next pandemic from engulfing the Earth?
Fauci: I’m contractually obligated to tell you that everyone should get a container of Hellman’s Sriracha Mayonnaise. Now, is that going to protect you? I can’t really say. But NIAID signed this deal, so here we are.
The Onion: What’s one lesson you learned from Covid that you want to apply next time?
Fauci: In retrospect we could have had a little more fun with the media side, getting them to say the disease is spread through contact with blue eyed people or something like that. Those morons will print anything we leak them.
The Onion: Why are you doing this to us?
Fauci: [Pets the mink stole he is wearing.] Why shouldn’t I? Look at what you do to yourselves, to one another. This violence, this power—it’s all very casual. It’s something to do.
The Onion: What are you most excited about the next pandemic?
Fauci: This one is gonna kill a shit ton of dogs.
The Onion: Who’s sponsoring the virus?
Fauci: It’s a collaboration between Arby’s and Home Depot.
The Onion: Wow, you’ve said quite a bit of incriminating stuff. You want this to be off the record?
Fauci: Don’t care.
The Onion: You can’t keep getting away with this! The police are on their way now!
Fauci: Ha, the police? The police?! I’m the Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases! I AM the police!
The Onion: Last question: Do you believe in the lab leak theory?
Fauci: I told you not to ask me about that you fucking fink. Goddamnit! I’m going to fucking kill you! Get over here! I’m going to tear out your throat! FUCK! I’ll kill you, you son of a bitch! Get back here!
