There are hundreds of other ways to show weakness instead of apologizing. Use the following phrases if you constantly find yourself saying “I’m sorry.”
“I want to make things right in some trivial way.”
Let them know you’re about actions not just words, just as long as the actions aren’t some kind of hassle.
“Don’t blame me, blame Lee Harvey Oswald.”
Even if it is your fault, it’s easy to shift the blame to Oswald, who’s not only a notorious criminal but also is not likely to offer rebuttal from beyond the grave.
“Oopsie p
A grown man saying the phrase “oopsie poopsies” is distracting enough that no one will ever remember the mistake you made.
“Just tell me how much to make this whole thing go away.”
Nothing says “I’m sorry” like a big fat wad of cold hard cash.
“I’m not afraid to die. Can you say the same?”
Apologizing gives power to the person you’re apologizing to. This reverses that dynamic.
“I’m s
Talking like a stereotypical ditzy woman from a 1950s movie is a great way to stop saying “I’m sorry” and make men holler like cartoon wolves with their eyes bulging out.
“We’re having a baby!”
A powerful way to change the subject in a dispute with a significant other, and even more disarming with an angry stranger you rear-ended at an intersection.
“I can’t apologize for walking the path God set me on.”
To apologize would be to call into question the destiny The Almighty selected for you eons before you were even born.
“Agghh erft erft dooo whoot.”
Guttural moans express your feelings better than words ever could.
“Here is $50,000.”
If you can afford it, this is really the way to go.
“Why have we allowed the [marginalized ethnic group] to come between us?”
Scapegoating a vulnerable population is great way to deflect your misdeeds to a blameless third party that sabotaged everything.
“Mi dispiace.”
People’s displeasure with you will quickly turn to intrigue as they wonder how you learned how to speak Italian.
“But how do we know this isn’t all a dream
Hopefully, they haven’t read Descartes, and this will blow their fucking mind.
“I’d apologize if ‘
Assure them that they would have an apology coming if ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ mattered in a universe that’s indifferent to both.
“Forgive me.”
What could have been a mere apology is now an immediate call to action to which your audience must respond if they don’t want to be a dick.
“Next time, I’ll double-check to make sure the gun is loaded.”
Your apology will be better received if you include clear, actionable steps you’re going to take to not them down in the future.
“Please respect my privacy at this time.”
You’ll want to make sure there’s no follow-up questions, which could further expose you.
“Thank you for the opportunity to grow.”
Saying something like this will let people know that you are truly unbearable to be around.
