Way Too Much Raised For Bronchitis Research

MINNEAPOLIS—The nonprofit organization Clean Airways announced Tuesday that it had raised the completely unnecessary sum of $140 million to further the study of bronchitis, a minor inflammation of the lungs which has claimed zero lives in 75 years and primarily affects smokers. “With this [ridiculous] amount of money, doctors will have the means to better understand bronchitis, and learn to treat it faster,” Clean Airways spokeswoman Linda McDonald said about the marginal illness, which, unlike AIDS, cancer, or muscular dystrophy, usually clears up after two weeks. “Hopefully next year we can raise even more.” Though McDonald did not comment on exactly how the record-breaking sum would be spent, she would not confirm or deny the possibility of simply purchasing 280 million bags of Halls orange-flavored mentholyptus cough drops.