The Onion provides all the details, facts, and lies you need to know to better understand the Wagner Group and the recent revolt of these mercenaries against Russia.
Name
The Wagner Group. Seriously? Pay attention. Jesus Christ.
Headquarters Location
WeWork in Flatiron District
Demographic Makeup
60% Russian, 40% Dead
Leader
Yevgeny Prigozhin, who went ninth overall in the 2015 mercenary draft
United Nations Membership Status
Pending
Total Amount Of Firepower
Three bullets and a steak knife
Leadership Structure
Flat. All mercenaries have an equal stake in any pillaged loot and are free to avail themselves of the free keg and foosball tables in the Wagner Group office.
Work Environment
Chill, laid-back, positive
Parent Company
Walmart
Biggest Kills
JFK, Archduke Franz Ferdinand, Osama bin Laden, Julius Caesar, Betty White
Sterilization Status
Neutered
Retirement Plan
Standard 401(k) with up to 6% match
Interested In
Casual dates, hookups, group sex, FWB, watching
Famous M
JC Chasez, Selena Gomez
Amount Of Money In PPP Loans
$800,000
Fashion Choice
Summer preppy
Knife Score, As Rated By The U.N. High Council Of Knives
71.8
Mascot
Waggy the Wagner Group Pup
Dog-Friendly?
Yes 😀 !
Feeder Schools
Petrozavodsk Prison, Volgograd Prison, IK-6 Penal Colony
War Crimes Per Member
72.4
Speaking Fee
Ranges from $30,000 to $50,000 with book signing and after-event discussion
Preferred Method Of Controlling African Mining Towns
Mass rape and murder
Theme Song
“Cut To The Feeling” by Carly Rae Jepsen
Links To White Supremacists
You betcha
Ladies’ Night
Thursdays
Organization’s Net Worth
$30
Greatest Weakness
Chocolate!
Slogan
“Once upon a time I was falling in love, but now I’m only falling apart. There’s nothing I can do; a total eclipse of the heart.”
Celebrity Spokespeople
Matt Damon, Chris Rock, and Margot Robbie
