Voyeur Researchers Recommend At Least 7 Hours Of Watching Someone Sleep Per Night

ANN ARBOR, MI—Emphasizing that their subjects felt healthier, more energetic, and oh, so satisfied the next morning, voyeur researchers at the University of Michigan recommended Thursday that the average adult spend at least seven hours each night watching another person sleep. “Based on our findings, anyone over the age of 18 should make an effort to spend a minimum of two REM cycles silently standing over a stranger who is beautiful and helpless, yet just out of reach,” said lead researcher Jasmine Alvarez, adding that the fewer interruptions that occurred while breaking into their house, perching over their bed, and watching them sleep, the better. “While it might not be possible every night, you should definitely get close to their face, no more than six to eight inches away, as often as possible. This way, you’ll be able to feel their rejuvenating breath as you gaze at their stomachs slowly rising and falling. In addition, we found that such behavior is especially beneficial if the person is perfect—so, so perfect. Oh, yeah, baby. Yeah.” Alvarez also suggested that individuals adhere to a consistent morning routine by placing a gentle, almost imperceptible kiss on the sleeping person’s forehead just before dawn.