Vomit-Covered Man Who Shit His Pants Hopes He Didn’t Blow First Date

MADISON, WI—Noting he wasn’t able to secure a kiss at the end, vomit-covered man Daniel Sedona who shit his pants expressed hope Thursday that he didn’t blow his first date. “We did seem to have such a good connection before I violently soiled myself in front of her at the dinner table, so I’m just praying that it didn’t ruin the night,” said Sedona, explaining that their snappy, free-flowing banter about birth order and favorite music was probably enough to make up for the fact that he shit himself so hard that his nose started bleeding. “I keep asking myself all these questions like, ‘What if the smell hadn’t been so bad that I immediately puked all over myself and her?’ or ,’Should I have offered to help wash the bile out of her hair and dress?’ but I know that’s not productive.” At press time, Sedona mentioned that the woman wasn’t perfect either.