Following a sexual abuse victim’s lawsuit, the video chat platform Omegle, known for the tagline “Talk to strangers,” has ceased operation after 14 years of randomly pairing users for conversation. The Onion asked Omegle users what they thought about the site shutting down, and this is what they said.
Judd Thompson, Unemployed
“Guess I’ll have to go back to looking at teenagers through a paper towel tube with my pants around my ankles.”
Tracy Farnsworth, Gaffer
“God, really? That was the first place I ever got groomed.”
Brandon Mitchell, Student
“As a seventh-grader, I think what parents don’t understand is that Omegle was mostly just a cool place for teens to go and get molested.”
Paul Gower, Record Store Owner
“So there’s basically nowhere on the internet to masturbate anymore?”
Kyle Stungen, CFO
“Wait, wait, wait, just keep it up a little bit longer, I’m so close!”
Bethany Wollens, Hydrologist
“Oh no! Now the only place left to see strange men’s penises is public transit, the office, the sidewalk, bars, clubs, restaurants, circuses, and golf courses.”
Keith Weng, Pharmacist
“I don’t think there will ever be another website that gives you the opportunity to get off to so many background interiors in rapid succession.”
Carrie Schultz, Stay-At-Home Mom
“Great, what the hell is my toddler supposed to watch on the iPad now?”
Raymond Quaid, Sales Director
“If kids want to meet perverts, they should do what I used to do and walk at night through the woods.”
Joseph Hill, Drone Operator
“Omegle gave child sexual abuse platforms a bad name.”
JESSICA, Hot Lady
“U look so sexy. Pull out your big COCK and click this link to chat on me: bxtixly.trzz/28492.”
Jill Stein, Presidential Candidate
“But that’s where I was going to announce my run for president.”
Richard Baker, Security Guard
“It’s a sad day. I met my 13-year-old wife on Omegle.”
Paul McKee, Retired
“They can take away Omegle, but they can’t take away my exposed penis.”
Will Jackson, Chef
“Somehow, they never figured out a way to monetize the experience of a man with an erect penis shouting racial slurs at strangers.”
Leo Sinclair, Executive Chef
“I prefer sexually harassing women on Twitter anyway.”
Austin Foley, Dietitian
“I knew interacting with other people was just a fad.”
Mark Blackman, Cashier
“Fine, I will take my uncircumcised micropenis elsewhere then, thank you very much.”
Vincente Cabello, Interior Designer
“O God, why hast thou forsaken the perverts?”
Brandon Gamsby, Florist
“Back to the low-tech version of masturbating outside strangers’ windows.”
