Unplanned 2:30 A.M. Trip Through Steven Seagal’s Wikipedia Page Worth Every Goddamn Second

CHICAGO—Describing the experience as “pure joy” from start to finish, area woman Emma Calbert told reporters Monday her unplanned but fortuitous 2:30 a.m. trip through Steven Seagal’s Wikipedia entry, which kept her up later than usual last night, was worth every goddamn second. “I wound up there after stumbling across the page for Under Siege, and holy shit, I had no idea what a treat I was in for,” said Calbert, who recounted the pleasure of learning that, over the years, the action star had become best friends with Vladimir Putin, marketed a failed brand of aftershave called “Scent of Action,” and served as guardian to the only child of the 10th Panchen Lama of Tibet. “While I was pretty tired this morning, I could never regret the genuine delight of discovering that Steven Seagal has an extensive collection of swords and custom-made firearms, and is, on top of everything else, really into animal rights. To be sure, much of the entry, like the long list of sexual assault allegations against him, is pretty fucked up—but did you know that in 2005 he released a guitar album called Songs From The Crystal Cave?” Calbert added that her only regret was that she would never again be able to explore the page’s “Personal Life” section for the very first time.