United Arab Emirates Successfully Launches Migrant Workers To Mars To Build Luxury Colonies

TANEGASHIMA, JAPAN—After ushering thousands of work-permit holders into a tightly packed capsule atop an H-IIA rocket, the United Arab Emirates successfully launched its first migrant workers into space Monday, part of a mission to build luxury resort colonies on the surface of Mars. “Today, our bold nation takes a monumental step toward the future as we send forth these foreign-born temporary laborers to construct the most lavish upscale accommodations the Red Planet has ever seen,” said UAE President Khalifa bin Zayed Al Nahyan, who according to reports has ordered his nation’s space agency to withhold the fuel and rations necessary for a return flight to Earth until the mostly Bangladeshi and Indian workers have erected an opulent 170-story biosphere. “We have provided our employees with a generous five-week supply of oxygen to sustain them as they build this palatial habitat, complete with an indoor ski slope, massive fountain, and man-made islands. That said, we of course have millions more migrants on reserve who can be launched as needed, should any members of this initial crew succumb to the harsh Martian climate.” At press time, sources confirmed the 2,000 migrant workers hired by the Emirates Mars Mission to serve as a launchpad were incinerated during liftoff.