Ukraine Admits Country’s Been In Shambles Since Hunter Biden Left

KYIV, UKRAINE—Gazing wistfully at an old framed photo of the 53-year-old American, Ukrainian officials admitted Tuesday that the country had been in shambles ever since Hunter Biden left. “We don’t want your Abrams tanks or your Javelin missiles or your billions of dollars in aid—we just want Hunter back,” said Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky, who let out a long sigh as he recalled the halcyon days when President Biden’s son served on the board of energy company Burisma, and all in the nation was prosperous, peaceful, and well. “So goes Hunter Biden, so goes Ukraine. Call me crazy, but I’d give up every last drone in the world if it meant we could have that guy back in the country for just a single day. Hunter, if you’re listening, please come back. You were the glue holding us together. And to be honest, you’re doing pretty bad without us too.” At press time, Zelensky was reportedly attempting to entice Hunter Biden to return by holding up a small bag of cocaine.