U.S. Airstrike Sends Tough Message To 4-Year-Old Afghans Not To Mess With America

WASHINGTON—Justifying the attacks that reportedly killed 10 civilians in Kabul as “absolutely necessary,” a U.S. drone strike sent a tough message to 4-year-old Afghans not to mess with America, Pentagon sources confirmed Monday. “I will not mince words here—the United States is an unmatched power on the global stage, and I hope Middle Eastern preschoolers will now think twice before threatening America,” said U.S. Army Major General William Taylor, insisting that the violent airstrike carried out in a residential neighborhood of Kabul was the only way to deliver a clear warning that “any preschooler out there, no matter where you live, will get what’s coming to you if you cross America.” “Whether you’re making motor noises while playing with a toy car or filling a hole in the ground with water from a plastic bucket, 4-year-olds across the globe need to know that the United States will not be intimidated and will immediately strike back with precision and ire. In your homes or your schools, taking a nap or enjoying a snack, our drones will find you and we will make you pay.” At press time, Taylor said his team had no choice but to take a troubling crayon scribble that they couldn’t decode as a concrete written threat.