Text messages from Tucker Carlson set off a panic inside Fox News after their revelation, showcasing the former host’s private and often alarming innermost thoughts. Here, obtained by The Onion in an exclusive trove from an anonymous source, are the complete and unredacted texts that reportedly led to his firing.
To Justin Wells
“Gonna need an emergency 23andMe test done on the new producer ASAP. Definitely something swarthy going on there.”
To Planned Parenthood
“FYI train’s delayed, going to be 5-10 min late for my shift today.”
To Virginia Thomas
“Ginni fucking Thomas won’t stop texting me good morning, asking what I’m doing, etc., all day every day…then gets annoyed when I don’t respond immediately. Like, I have a life?? Text your husband wtf.”
To Sean Hannity
“I agree. Diversity has always been this nation’s greatest strength.”
To Elon Musk
“lol yeah an Apartheid 2 would be awesome”
To CVS Pharmacy
“Refill Mifepristone.”
To Hunter Biden
“You still down for tapas tonight?”
To XFinity Text Updates
“WHITE POWER WHITE POWER WHITE POWER WHITE POWER”
To Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
“I hate the way you talk to me, And the way you cut your hair. / I hate the way you drive my car, I hate it when you stare. / I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind. / I hate you so much it makes me sick, It even makes me rhyme. / I hate the way you’re always right, I hate it when you lie. / I hate it when you make me laugh, Even worse when you make me cry. / I hate it when you’re not around, And the fact that you didn’t call. / But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you, Not even close, Not even a little bit, Not even at all.”
To Elon Musk
“That’s not how white men jizz. White men do not jizz. They hold it in until they shoot someone.”
To Rupert Murdoch
“You’re Australian. Are Australians white?”
To Therapist
“Lately, I haven’t liked any races. Not even white people. Am I depressed?”
To Jared Leto
“r u boy or girl”
To Laura Ingram
“I’ve been having…experiences. I don’t know how to describe them. Sometimes I wake up in places I don’t recognize. My clothes are torn. Sometimes, there’s blood…a lot of blood. And sometimes, there’s a…a body. It only happens during the full moon and…I know it can’t be but…can it? I’m scared.”
To Shannon Bream
“thought the new George Saunders was underwhelming”
To Cornel West
“Interesting point. Definitely true that the exploitation of Black people in many ways is the bedrock of codifying a class hierarchy, which serves to subjugate all Americans no matter the race.”
To Abby Grossberg
“Hey! Just circling back about how much I like your breasts.”
To Donald Trump
“Trump is a fuckign dipshit who ruins everything he touches.”
To Donald Trump
“Unsend”
To Maria Bartiromo
“You ever think we should set up a Fox News porn vertical called Fox Nudes? Anyway, I think you cut me off in the parking lot this morning? Not cool. Or we could call the vertical Cox News, maybe? Like ‘cocks’ but you know, ‘cox’? Or is that a little try-hard? Feels a little try-hard. Anyway, don’t cut me off in the parking lot again or I’ll rip your dress off on live television. I’m going to pitch Fox Nudes to Rupert, wish me luck!”
To Jared Fogle
“Don’t worry, once we get Trump off the hook, I’m coming to save you.”
