Troubling Study Finds Majority Of Americans Who Got It Aren’t Flaunting It

ITHACA, NY—In an effort to raise awareness on a potentially massive squandering of personal resources by thousands of hip, happening Americans, analysts at Cornell University published an alarming study Monday confirming that the vast majority of citizens who have got it fail to regularly and persistently flaunt it. “After years of in-the-field research, we can only conclude that citizens who got it are putting in insufficient work shaking it just short of breaking it—even though, in almost every case, their mama spent nine months making it,” said head researcher Dr. Alexander Spinelli, who warned that Americans may be in danger of losing it if they didn’t start getting it up when they got down. “What’s equally troubling is that a growing number of Americans who’ve got the stuff are opting out of strutting it, which is especially perplexing considering how hard it is to get enough of it. Someone really should do a little somethin’-somethin’.” When pressed on how long Americans had to use it before facing the possibility they might lose it, Spinelli cautioned, “Good God, y’all.”