Raisel Iglesias
Although not as funny as Gabriel Iglesias or as good of a singer as Enrique Iglesias, Raisel is the best option baseball wise if you’re choosing an Iglesias.
Anthony Rizzo
As an Italian unvaccinated Yankee, look for Rizzo to step away from baseball and accept a job as Permanent Emperor of Staten Island.
Marcus Semien
After an MVP-caliber season in Toronto, Semien will be sought after by teams looking for a huge boost to their 2021 stats.
Carlos Correa
Teams all over the league have their eyes on Correa, so it’s a true mystery just where he will end up in the Yankees’ batting order.
Javier Baez
After making headlines for flipping his middle fingers at Mets fans, he’s been working hard this offseason to come up with an even more upsetting hand gesture.
Justin Verlander
Though it seems like the Astros ace has been around forever, he’ll only turn 62 next year.
Corey Seager
Arguably the top free agent in the class not because of his baseball abilities, but rather because he was seen helping an elderly person across the street and that deserves a reward.
Kris Bryant
Nothing against Bryant, who bounced back nicely in 2021, but we will use this space to just say fuck the feckless gang of corrupt failsons that is the Ricketts family. Thank you.
Carlos Rodon
This sell-out plans to leave the organization that drafted and developed him just to seek out the money he has earned and deserves.
Kevin Gausman
Analysts expect the pitcher to sign with a team in dire need of shoring up its rotation, narrowing it down to either the Arizona Diamondbacks, the Atlanta Braves, the Baltimore Orioles, the Boston Red Sox, the Chicago White Sox, the Chicago Cubs, the Cincinnati Reds, the Cleveland Indians, the Colorado Rockies, the Detroit Tigers, the Houston Astros, the Kansas City Royals, the Los Angeles Angels, the Los Angeles Dodgers, the Miami Marlins, the Milwaukee Brewers, the Minnesota Twins, the New York Yankees, the New York Mets, the Oakland Athletics, the Philadelphia Phillies, the Pittsburgh Pirates, the San Diego Padres, the San Francisco Giants, the Seattle Mariners, the St. Louis Cardinals, the Tampa Bay Rays, the Texas Rangers, the Toronto Blue Jays, or the Washington Nationals.
Max Scherzer
If the three-time Cy Young award winner fulfills predictions and signs with the Angels, he would join Mike Trout, Shohei Ohtani, and Anthony Rendon on a star-studded roster that could steamroll its opponents all the way to .500 next year.
Michael Conforto
Whichever lucky fanbase signs the former Mets outfielder this offseason is in for a thrillingly neutral experience.
Freddie Freeman
Having trouble picturing the longtime Braves first baseman in any other uniform? Not sure what to tell you then. It’s professional baseball and players switch teams pretty frequently. Get over it.
Noah Syndergaard
Yes he already signed, but we think Noah has put in the hard work and deserves to be honored on this list. It’s just nice to lift people up sometimes, you know?
Kenley Jansen
The longtime Dodgers closer boasts 350 career saves, which is sure to impress GMs on the hunt for pretty arbitrary and meaningless counting stats.
Robbie Ray
The likely AL Cy Young winner would slot in perfectly on a team willing to overpay for a fluky career year.
Trevor Story
Teams have concerns about his performance outside of Colorado, where years playing in lower atmospheric pressure makes it more likely he’ll just pop into a gooey mess at lower altitudes.
Starling Marte
Beware—he had a Fangraphs WAR of 5.4, but Dad thought he could hustle a little more.
Freddy Galvis
Has the kind of enthusiasm for the game and hard-working attitude that just tells you your team missed out on every single person better than him.
