Will Tom Brady run it back for an unthinkable 8th Super Bowl victory? Can the loaded Chiefs make up for last year’s Super Bowl upset? Can our football experts ask tons of obvious questions to mask the fact that nobody ever knows what the hell is going to happen before the start of the season? Here are Onion Sport’s top contenders heading into the 2021 NFL season.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Ugh. Fuck. What’s even the point of anything anymore?
Kansas City Chiefs
Right? We aren’t missing something obvious here? Like something about their O-line? We don’t really pay attention to that kinda stuff, we just know their guys score lots of fantasy points.
Cleveland Browns
Having gone 6-10 in 2019 and 11-5 in 2020, the Browns are on pace to go a perfect 17-0, and then 22-0 after the league expands the regular season again next year.
Buffalo Bills
It’s not gonna happen. It just isn’t allowed. Look we don’t make the rules, but it’s Buffalo, okay? Sorry, Bills fans.
Green Bay Packers
Green Bay looks to build on the success of 2020’s highest-rated offense, but may be derailed by Aaron Rodgers announcing all his play calls through Adam Schefter.
Tennessee Titans
They won the Julio Jones sweepstakes, but can the Titans stay focused with the white hot allure of Nashville’s Andrew Jackson’s Hermitage Museum constantly beckoning them away?
Pittsburgh Steelers
While Mason Rudolph and Dwayne Haskins may hope to fight a 39-year-old Ben Roethlisberger for his starting job, they’ll have to get through a tenacious veteran with an army of criminal defense attorneys willing to defend his every move.
Dallas Cowboys
With one of the lowest vaccination rates in the league, the 2021 Cowboys have finally thrown off decades of declining relevance to re-earn the moniker of America’s Team.
Baltimore Ravens
Could the Ravens be the Super Bowl contender that gets tragically derailed by several devastating injuries? Sure, why not?
New Orleans Saints
Coach Sean Payton has yet to decide whether it will be Jameis Winston or Taysom Hill behind center wasting the primes of Michael Thomas and Alvin Kamara.
Los Angeles Rams
The Rams could be a real threat in the NFC West, but so could the 49ers, Seattle, and Arizona, so your best bet is to watch the games and just enjoy them; football’s real fun like that!
San Francisco 49ers
They were towards the bottom of the league last year in sacks, but that should change with the return of their best pass rusher Nick Bosa, who spent the offseason training to breach defensive units at the Capitol.
Seattle Seahawks
The Seahawks are near the end of Russell Wilson’s prime and a long shot to get past the divisional round, which means you can look forward to Seattle fans once again whining about a team with nine playoff appearances and a Super Bowl win in the last 11 years like they’re the fucking Jets.
