Toddler Demands Full Investigation Into Why That Man Has No Hair

KAYSVILLE, UT—Calling on parental authorities to provide him with answers immediately, local toddler Elijah Schmitz demanded a full investigation Monday into why that man over there had no hair. “What happened to that man’s head?” said the 2-year-old Schmitz, who was dogged in his pursuit to get to the bottom of whatever was wrong with the bald stranger sitting at the adjacent table, pulling no punches as he interrogated all witnesses at the scene, including the restaurant server. “That man looks weird. Look, over there. That man right there. Where is all his hair? What happened to it, Mom? I want to touch that weird man’s head.” At press time, the investigation had reportedly closed after Schmitz’s parents gently explained to their son that God was punishing the man.