A Toast To Your Redeemable Qualities

In order to have made it here, we strongly suspect you have at least one of the following qualities:

A wisdom sought out by leaders and scholars

An indomitable will that can’t be broken

A sexual allure that no man or woman can resist.

A thirst for knowledge that can’t be quenched

A working credit card

A friendship with a sass-mouth raccoon that craves adventure

The Onion Membership Team
thanks you and your excellent qualities.

Fine Print

With any contribution of $99/more ($9/month also qualifies), You will get your first of 12 membership papers when we start mailing them directly to subscribers around/about October 15.

We will also surprise and delight your inbox from time to time via E-mail, and we look forward to it.

Your access to theonion.com, and everyone’s access to theonion.com will remain free from any paywalls or log-in gates. Your membership helps us keep it that way, so thank you, on behalf of the entire planet.

If you need to update or cancel your contributions at any time, please consult your confirmation email for a magic link to your membership portal.

Thanks again for your support.
Another toast to you.