Tiger Woods Wondering If He Should Tell People He's Still Getting Laid

WINDERMERE, FL—Tiger Woods reportedly spent several hours in deep contemplation Saturday, pondering whether he should inform friends, family, and reporters that he’s still getting laid on a regular basis. “I suppose it’s important to be open and honest about what’s happening in my life, and it’s not like I’m married anymore, so there’s really nothing wrong with it,” Woods said as he attempted to remember the number of sexual partners he’s had over the past month. “On the other hand, people might get upset if they knew I was having sex three times a week with random women I meet at bars. I’ve only fucked a few ladies in the stall of the men’s restroom and one on top of the sink, though. So that’s not too bad.” After deep consideration, Woods reportedly decided that it would be best not to reveal any sexual escapades that involved fisting, anal penetration, or urophilia.