Three More Syrians Killed As Tom Weighs Merits Of Drafting Neil Rackers

EMPORIA, KS—Three civilians attending a pro-democracy demonstration in Syria were shot dead by their government’s armed forces Tuesday while local man Tom Burchett was reportedly trying to decide whether or not to draft Neil Rackers with his fantasy football team’s sixteenth-round pick. “Rackers was pretty stellar last year from long yardage, and this league gives you extra points for those,” Burchett, 34, said as dying Syrians realized with their last flickers of dwindling consciousness that they would never experience human freedom. “I could go with another sleeper wideout here, but my worry is there will be a run on kickers now that Greg and Dustin have both picked one.” As several hundred more Syrians decided to join the protests and risk their lives, Burchett finally decided to draft Rackers, calling it the most difficult choice he’s made all year and a risk he hopes he won’t regret.