A series of winter storms battered much of the United States this week, setting records, disrupting daily life, and providing ominous glimpses of a climate-changed future. The Onion looks at some of the most eye-popping numbers from this week’s winter storms.
3 Million: People whose call is important to Oncor Electric, and whose patience is appreciated as they remain on the line
5: Seconds until burst water pipe comes crashing right through dining room ceiling
34%: Portion of continental U.S. currently covered by single enormous snowflake
4: Number of teeth needed to complete a chatter
#334-16H: Serial number of single malfunctioning wind turbine that will eventually take the fall of all of this
28.7: Tons of salt redirected from BBQ to Texas roads
1: Number of lieutenant governors still maintaining the biggest issue currently facing Texas is whether the national anthem is played before all major sporting events
6F: Seat number for Ted Cruz’s return flight
256: Fully equipped Ford F-150s in ditches along Texas highways
14: Inches of accumulated blood on Texas officials’ hands
