Honestly, it shouldn’t be that hard to just sit down and be polite on a plane. Here are things you should never, ever say to a flight attendant.
“This is madness! Humans were not meant to fly!”
The time to work through your apprehensions about flying machines was before you got on board.
“Can I switch seats so I can sit with the other terrorists?”
Before bugging your flight attendant, try politely asking the person currently sitting next to your co-conspirator if they wouldn’t mind swapping since they’ll be dead in 30 minutes anyway.
“Do you have any extra
Listen man, it’s one SkyMall per person. Be more purposeful with your copy next time.
“I think a small fire has broken out in the bathroom.”
You’re talking to a flight attendant, not a firefighter. Don’t bother them with stuff like this.
“I’m out on the wing!”
Unfortunately it’s unlikely that they will be able to hear you if this is the case.
“Can you do something I naively assumed was your job but it turns out I was misinformed?”
Don’t be an asshole.
“Can you help me put my bag in the overhead compartment?”
The appropriate way to do this is to visibly and audibly struggle while looking around frustratedly.
“We’re not going to go missing like one of those Malaysian flights, right?”
Flight attendants don’t get a heads-up from air traffic control on which planes will disappear en route.
“I found your performance in the safety presentation entirely too contrived.”
Just politely nod and smile and say “You did it!”
“I’m too drunk to pilot this flight to Tampa.”
That’s what you said yesterday, and you got there fine.
“I think I’m having a heart attack.”
Flight attendants aren’t medically trained so you should always wait to land first before experiencing any cardiac emergencies.
“Help! How do I get my oxygen mask to descend?”
It’s pretty rude to show how little attention you paid to the safety demonstration.
“Yeah, hey. I’m really sorry to bother you, but I’m not super comfortable being seated in an emergency exit row. I know that’s silly, but I’d really appreciate it if you could move me. I’m so sorry for the hassle.”
Coward.
“At what point will we be able to unbuckle our seatbelts and hijack the plane?”
You need to listen to the safety instructions during takeoff because you will know that once the plane is comfortable in-flight and the seatbelt sign is off, the cockpit is free to take over.
“Can I switch seats with the pilot?”
There are some seat changes that a flight attendant can arrange, but this isn’t one of them.
“Excuse me, but I seem to have somehow gotten my penis stuck in the hinge of my tray table.”
Savvy travelers avoid this common flight faux-pas.
“I am a boat attendant and I am your nemesis.”
Please keep your rivalries on the ground and don’t disrupt the flight.
“Can you raise my kids as your own real quick?”
Sorry, but this is only available to passengers flying business class.
“I’ll fasten my seatbelt when I receive a signal from God.”
Nothing’s more irritating than when a passenger holds up the plane for hours or even days because they’re waiting for The Almighty’s blessing to proceed to Denver.
“I was just on top of the plane and you didn’t even know about it.”
No one likes to hear they slipped up when doing their job.
