Besides food, there’s nothing Americans love more than sitting down and spewing their most inflammatory opinions. Here are several things you should never say at the Thanksgiving dinner table.
“Grandma is overrated.”
That’s just one of those things everyone thinks but nobody says.
“This turkey used to be my lover.”
Thanksgiving is a time to focus on what we’re thankful for, not what we’ve lost.
“It’s time to bring home every soldier in Vietnam.”
Avoid politically charged topics, even if they were completely resolved 50 years ago.
“I’ve gotta leave early to see my other, better family.”
Whoops.
“I’m so thankful that we’re all gathered here at our richest family member’s house.”
Everyone’s thinking it.
“I’m gay.”
You came out last year, dumbass, it’s not news anymore.
“Politics!”
As many who have been done in by family arguments can attest, it’s best to steer clear of saying “politics!” at the table.
“Cark the Breaker approaches. The time of the long suffering is upon us.”
Pop-Pop is 97 years old. Don’t pester him with the Great Reckoning.
“Whoever’s jerking me off under the table should know I’m almost at completion.”
Shh! If it’s under the table, it’s supposed to be secret!
“That pie was supposed to be for everyone…”
Thanksgiving is an atypical day of excess, so it’s not the time to comment on others’ portion sizes.
“I’m thankful for family.”
Knock it off; everyone knows you’re just trying to weasel your way into your grandma’s will.
“The Indian Child Welfare Act is being unjustly challenged in the federal courts by right wing interest groups.”
Just let them trace turkeys with their hands onto construction paper without making them look at the big picture and you’ll be back home in New York City before you know it.
“Could you please pass the stuffing?”
To survive in this world, you don’t ask, you take. Show weakness to your family and friends, and they’ll tear out your throat.
“These country fops can play liberator all they want, but when it comes down to it us Moscovites will pay the price for their high-minded European sensibilities.”
Not this debate again.
“Everyone is entitled to their opinion.”
This sort of mealy mouthed nonsense is sure to get your ripped to shreds.
“Can everyone eat a little faster? I need to go get trampled at a
It’s rude to rush people to eat and you need to be patient because everyone is equally excited to get trampled at Walmart.
“We gather here at Plymouth to celebrate this bountiful harvest and our friendship with the Wampanoag people.”
It may go over well in the moment, but it’s really going to age terribly.
“This food would have made the pilgrims throw up.”
It’s true that much on today’s Thanksgiving menu isn’t historically accurate and would cause them to regurgitate it all over the table, but not everyone wants a history lesson.
“Garlic mashed potatoes: 237 calories per serving (recommended serving size 1 cup.) 2,000 calories a day is used for general nutrition advice, but individual calorie needs vary.”
Thanksgiving is supposed to be a day of indulgence and celebration, and no one wants to feel bad about how much they’re eating.
“What’s the score of the Detroit Lions game?”
You’re wasting your breath, always assume they’re losing.
