If you’ve somehow managed to surround yourself with a loving group of friends and family, don’t rub it in. Here are things to never say to someone who is alone for the holidays.
“Could you draw the curtains so children passing by won’t be exposed to your isolation?”
Likewise, no one wants to be told to wear headphones so no one overhears them watching movies on their laptop all Christmas day.
“If you’ve got nothing going on, you can wash my car.”
You’re just making things worse by telling them you’ll leave a bucket and some sponges on the driveway while you’re with your family.
“You can come over, but you’ll have to stand alone in the basement.”
Telling someone that they can join your household as long as they self-isolate downstairs next to your hot-water heater isn’t the kindness you think it is.
“This is your punishment for getting divorced.”
You don’t have to say what they already know.
“Well, that’s why they call it solitary confinement.”
No need to rub in the fact they’re doing three life sentences in a Supermax.
“You’re lucky! I get so exhausted being surrounded by people who love me.”
Don’t portray your busy holiday household as a chore, and never say you’re jealous of anyone who gets to enjoy the peace and quiet of friendlessness.
“Remind me again what terrible thing did you do to get estranged from your family?”
Don’t ask such personal questions if you don’t intend to stick around to hear their long, depressing story.
“Welp, maybe next time you’ll think twice about murdering those who love you.”
It’s not smart to antagonize a suspected murderer.
“With any luck, you won’t be around next holiday season.”
Wishing death to someone who might be spending the holidays alone may have good sentiment behind it however it is ominous and threatening.
“If you’re feeling like you might hurt yourself, call 1-999-999-9999.”
What kind of message does it send when you didn’t even bother to look up the real number for the suicide hotline?
“You deserve to be alone year-round, not just during the holidays.”
Sad-sacks likely already know this and there is no need to waste your breath.
“If it’s any consolation, your ex is having a great time with their new family.”
You also don’t have to remind them that the ex got the dog, and it’s dressed like the most adorable elf.
“There must be some drugs you can abuse.”
You should only bring this up if you’re sure they have enough drugs on hand to share with you.
“Committing suicide on Jesus’s birthday is a one-way ticket to Hell.”
Yes, you’re absolutely correct for reminding them that suicide is a sin, but historians and astronomers have estimated that Jesus’s birthday was probably sometime in the summer.
“I’m so jealous you don’t have anyone who loves you.”
People often fail to see unlimited alone time as a blessing.
“You’re probably only alone for the holidays this year because of your acne problem and insufferable personality.”
As counterintuitive as it might seem, there is a decent chance this actually will not end up making them feel better.
“The nonstop joy my family and I experience during the holidays actually starts to feel a little rote and predictable around Dec. 29.”
Nice try, but they likely also get fatigued with the television shows they spend time with 12 hours a day.
“Perhaps the loneliness of the holidays will persuade you to reveal the secret location of the Last Free Starbase!”
Forget it, Emperor Zax! Threats just make our resolve stronger!
“This is great practice for being alone next year.”
Probably best not to tell someone that this year’s misery is just a warm-up for the loneliness they’ll feel next year and probably for the rest of their life.
“Bummer, I got you a tandem bicycle for Christmas.”
Yikes. While you’re having fun, they’re gonna have to stare at that reminder of their loneliness all damn night.
