It’ll Take At Least Two Hours
This kind of renovation is a massive undertaking, so don’t think you can knock it out in just one lunch break.
You’re Going To Have To Learn Some New Skills
While you won’t have to learn anything too crazy, experts recommend attaining a basic mastery of stonemasonry, welding, painting, carpentry, glass-blowing, wood-carving, and tapestry-weaving before trying to fix anything up.
Start With Your Neighbor’s House For Practice
Using your neighbor’s home as a trial run is a great way to make sure you really know how to use that jack hammer before you take it to your own house.
You Can Just Buy A New House
“Character” does not matter to anyone. Nobody gives a fuck how old your house is. Save yourself a headache, hundreds of thousands of dollars, and just buy some fucking piece of tract bullshit to stuff all your electronics and kids.
That’s The Old Barrow House, You Don’t Want To Go There
That house? Up on the hill? Folks don’t go there anymore. Ever since the night of July 11, twenty years ago. You’ve been warned: There’s something wrong with that house.
Don’t Lay A Hand On My Beautiful Young Daughter
While you’re renovating this place, stay the hell away from my gorgeous daughter. You sleep out in the barn, understood? Do that, and we’ll be fine.
That’ll Cost $1,500
Yeah, unfortunately, we’ve got to order the part in custom, so it won’t come cheap. Sorry. Wish we had better news.
Chip Gaines Will Try To Baptize You
Chip’s faith is very important to him. He’s fast, too, so be careful.
Someone Hanged Themself In The Attic
A common occurrence in old houses built in bleaker times, check the attic for a skeleton dangling from a rope on your very first visit and then decide whether you want to keep it.
You Will Never Finish And The Project Will Drive You Slowly Mad
Keep this in mind upfront so you can say farewell to friends and loved ones before embarking on this renovation.
It’s Why Your Parents Broke Up
You’ve been blaming yourself for years, but you need to let it go. The stress and expense of trying to renovate that old colonial you grew up in put an unmanaged strain on an already difficult relationship. You were just collateral damage.
Most Have The Original Voids Under The Carpet
Go ahead and remove that ’50s-era wall-to-wall carpet so you can expose the exquisite original black void underneath.
You Need To Budget For Coveralls
At nearly $200 a pair, the cost of stylish pastel coveralls to wear while you pose with a sledgehammer can add up fast.
Dealing With The HOA
The homeowners’ association is going to break your fucking legs if you try to paint that house a color that didn’t exist in 1770.
You Will Need 47 Different Types Of Screwdriver
You think it’s just Phillips and flathead right? Well, be prepared to be driven to the point of madness, you ignorant little naif.
You Can’t Just Paint Over The Toilet
If you want new bathroom fixtures, you’re going to have to remove the old ones first.
You’re Going To Rob It Of All Its Timeless Charm And Make It Look Like All The Other Cookie-Cutter Shit On Your Block, You Tasteless Cretin
Good job ruining a beautiful traditional look with new modern twists that will look fucking dated and garish in five years, you stupid moron.
It’s Fine The Way It Is
Repeat this as a mantra to yourself, and enjoy the ease of mind and spirit that accompanies delusion.
You’ll Have To Bring Your Own Full-Scale Predator Replica
It may have high ceilings and intricate mantelpiece carvings, but the odds of that old Victorian having a 7-foot replica of the alien bounty hunter from 1987’s Predator are virtually zero.
Don’t Disturb The Eggs
When purchasing a home, you are entering a mutual agreement with the house that one another’s offspring will be kept free of interference.
The Doors Are On Sideways Again
Listen, we know you’re in over your head, drowning in debt, the whole family’s living out of a single room on the second floor while you renovate, but some times, it’s almost like you’re going out of your way to make mistakes.
It’s Floating In Space
If it’s old enough, the house predates the planet, so you’ll have to factor in buying a parcel of land to set it down on.
