‘They Switched It For Molasses!’ Yells Energy Secretary Discovering Nation’s Entire Oil Reserves Stolen

FREEPORT, TX—Taking a finger and tasting a scoop of the sticky, brown substance, Energy Secretary Jennifer Granholm reportedly yelled, “They switched it for molasses!” Tuesday when she discovered the nation’s entire Strategic Petroleum Reserve had been stolen. “Good God, they can’t all be like this—no, no, no, no!” said Granholm, who began wildly shoving and kicking the syrup-filled drums in a fit of rage as the full extent of what had occurred at the underground facility finally dawned on her. “They’re useless—the entire reserve is useless! That’s 550 million barrels of oil, gone! They said they were barrel repairmen, and we believed it. Jesus Christ. That was everything. We’re fucking ruined!” At press time, sources confirmed Granholm was watching in stunned disbelief as the culprits took off in the very jet she had used to get there.