The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 26, 2018

Pet Turtle Going Hog Wild On Terrarium’s New Stick

‘I’m Going To Hell For Laughing At This Meme,’ Says Man Going To Hell For Helping Little Sister Get Abortion

Teen On Brink Of Experiencing Incredible Journey Of Motherhood Instead Asks Boyfriend To Use Condom

Area Ladder Never Thought It Would End Up A Bookcase

‘Brain Games’ Recalls Thousands Of Defective Word Puzzles That Gave Users Alzheimer’s

Man Crushed By Lack Of Filth On Q-Tip Pulled From Ear

Olympic Figure Skating Inspires Thousands Of Little Girls To Drop Couple Hundred On Skates They’ll Use Once

Study: 90% Of Americans Strongly Opposed To Each Other

Capsizing Boat Passes U.S. In Global Quality Of Life Rankings

Ant Hoping Queen Will Notice Pretzel Crumb He Got Her

Open Casket Really Ruining Vibe At Funeral

Survey: Genital Stimulation Maintains Popularity

Nation’s Older Brothers Recommend Not Being Such A Little Bitch

Chiropractor Scrambling To Put Vertebrae Back In Right Order Before End Of Session

Passengers Praying Uber Just A Hobby For Elderly Driver

Panicked Billy Graham Realizes He Took Wrong Turn Into Heaven’s Largest Gay Neighborhood

Man Just Going To Assume This Counts As ‘Minced’

U.S. Wins Gold In Couples Snow Eating

Nation’s Beekeepers Warn They Don’t Know How Much Longer They Can Hold Back Swarms’ Wrath

Badass Churchgoer Doesn’t Even Have To Look At Hymnal

Area Bus Driver Would Prefer Not To Say ‘You’re Welcome’ For Thousandth Time Today

Employees Annoyed At Having To Attend 3-Hour-Long Sexual Seduction Training

Nationwide Sympathy Pours In For Traumatized CNN Town Hall Survivor

Wayne LaPierre Accidentally Blows Hand Off During CPAC Speech

Oxfam: ‘Your Donation Will Help Us Protect Impoverished Girls From Our Employees’

Spectators Bombarded With Gamma Radiation As Rapidly Spinning Figure Skater Collapses Into Singularity

Barista Gets Sick Little Thrill Telling Coffee Shop Customers There No Restroom

Sighing, Resigned Climate Scientists Say To Just Enjoy Next 20 Years As Much As You Can

Eagles Fans Finally Sober Enough To Return To Work

Marco Rubio Still Rock-Hard Days After Being Publicly Humiliated On National Stage

New Report Finds Link Between Each Passing Day, Jeanette Getting More Beautiful

John Kelly Struggles To Maintain Believable Trump Impression During Phone Calls With Parkland Survivors

Author Of ‘Introduction To Algebra’ Recalls Textbook Being Rejected By 12 Publishers Before Getting Accepted

New Evidence Suggests President George Washington Sent Woodcut Of Penis To Secretary

Exhausted Olympian Finally Decides To Rent Pyeongchang Hotel Room Instead Of Flying Home To America Each Night

‘Please, I’ll Tell You Everything,’ Whimpers Rick Gates After Mueller Threatens To Send Him Back To White House

Pros And Cons Of Reparations