‘The Virus Dies With Me!’ Shouts Covid-Infected Giuliani Clambering Into Hospital Incinerator

WASHINGTON—Vowing to conquer the pathogen once and for all, Donald Trump’s personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani shouted, “The virus dies with me!” Tuesday while clambering into Georgetown University Hospital’s incinerator. “Take me, flames, and destroy the disease within,” said the former New York City mayor, hopping up and down in an effort to boost himself into the entrance of the industrial waste burner. “Damn you, coronavirus, you son of a bitch—I’ve bested you at last. Be gone!” At press time, Giuliani was shrieking and writhing on the hospital floor after realizing the inside of the incinerator was extremely hot.