Alabama
Most critical issue facing this state this election cyclePoverty: Alabama has one of the highest poverty rates in the nation, with 18% of the population living below the federal poverty line and another 24% who seem like they must be.
Fun factAlabama has chosen to opt out of all state rankings for a few years while it figures some stuff out.
Alaska
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleConservation: State officials have repeatedly stressed the importance of conserving Alaska’s many species of survivalists, ice-road truckers, loggers, gold miners, fur trappers, and king crab fishermen for future television seasons.
Biggest race in the stateCold vs. Dark (Misery): All bets are off in this tightly contested race to determine whether it will be the bitter cold or the oppressive darkness that finally pushes 46-year-old Fairbanks resident Dennis Gantry over the edge this winter.
Fun factIf Alaska was placed on top of the contiguous United States, it would stretch from Florida to California and crush countless millions of Americans to death.
Arizona
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleScorpions: They’re everywhere.
Fun factThe opening of the Grand Canyon created stiff competition for tourism dollars, causing smaller family-owned canyons in the area to close permanently.
Arkansas
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleEducation: Many in Arkansas have called for more public education funding, as the Razorbacks were 2-10 last year.
Fun factThe state was discovered in June 1992 when Bill Clinton played saxophone on The Arsenio Hall Show.
California
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleEconomy: State leaders have yet to come up with a plan to address the crippling tech industry crash of 20.
Biggest race in the stateGeorge Clooney vs. George Clooney (Hollywood): Sometimes, when you’ve risen above everyone else in your field, your only remaining competition is yourself.
Fun factQuantum Leap actor Dean Stockwell resides in Los Angeles.
Colorado
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleDrugs: Since the legalization of marijuana, Colorado has been forced to deal with a massive surge in tax revenue and an unaffected crime rate.
Biggest race in the stateMike Coffman vs. Morgan Carroll (U.S. House District 6): Coffman and Carroll are political adversaries fighting for a seat in Congress, while also fighting the raw sexual tension radiating between them in registered voter Armand Greenwell’s fan fiction Hot In The Sixth.
Fun factColorado is home to the most Coloradans per capita in the United States.
Connecticut
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleThat One House On The Corner Of Greenwich Avenue And West Elm Street: Oh, it’s just awful.
Biggest race in the stateYea vs. Nay (The Very Important Proposal Mr. Bentley Has Put Before Us Today): After all, gentlemen, the entire future of this organization may be on the line!
Fun factThe state was originally founded in 1636 by a band of devout insurance salesmen who dreamed of a colony where every man had the freedom to charge whatever premiums he pleased.
Delaware
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleTime: Delaware’s influence over national politics has steadily dwindled since becoming the first state to ratify the Constitution in 1787.
Biggest race in the stateDavid Kennedy vs. Sam Moreno (DuPont Board Of Directors): This crucial, hotly contested race is certain to have the most lasting impact on Delaware politics of any election in the state.
Fun factSucks.
Florida
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleImmigration: Every day, hundreds attempt to illegally cross the border between Animal Kingdom and Epcot.
Biggest race in the stateJeb Bush vs. Steve Hessert (Metropolitan Water Reclamation District Commissioner): The showdown between the incumbent water reclamation commissioner, Hessert, and the former two-term governor of Florida is expected to be tight, although most analysts give the edge to the sitting commissioner.
Fun factYou will grow old and die in Florida.
Georgia
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleSexual Health: An alarming study found that almost 70% of adults in Georgia have had an impure sexual thought in the last year.
Biggest race in the stateAlabaster Downes IV vs. Nathan Holcomb (Suitors): Their competition for the heart of Miss Abigail Saunders has become the talk of all Savannah.
Fun factAt a collective average of G-sharp above middle C, Georgia residents speak with the highest-pitched voices in the Union.
Hawaii
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleSpelling: Hawaiian citizens are hopeful the U.S. will finally grant the state full access to all the letters of the alphabet.
Biggest race in the stateHawksbill Sea Turtle vs. Green Sea Turtle (Extinction): With increasing pollution and human encroachment on their natural habitat, the race is on to see which one of these endangered reptiles will survive come November.
Fun factHawaii is the only state admitted to the Union after we should have known better.
Idaho
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleWrong Shape: There’s no denying it—the shape of Idaho is wrong.
Biggest race in the stateRaul Labrador vs. James Piotrowski (U.S. House District 1): Labrador has continued to receive support from rural Idahoans after painting Piotrowski as a snobby, prissy candidate representing elitist Missoula, Montana values.
Fun factSun Valley is a popular resort region whose stark remoteness inspired Ernest Hemingway’s most famous self-inflicted shotgun wound.
Illinois
Most critical issue facing this state this election cyclePolitical Gridlock: Several honest assemblymen are obstructing the normal corruption process.
Fun factThe infamous St. Valentine’s Day Massacre of 1929 is remembered fondly in Illinois as a symbol of a bygone era when just seven people being gunned down in Chicago was considered an unprecedented tragedy.
Indiana
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleGay People Forcing Florists To Make Flower Arrangements For Their Weddings Against Their Will: Legislators are pretty sure this happened once.
Biggest race in the stateBlue vs. Red (Color): What color will Indiana go? When will it turn that color? What will its color look like next to the other colors on the map? Only time will tell.
Fun factGary is the only town in America to have been named after someone’s stepdad.
Iowa
Most critical issue facing this state this election cyclePiracy: Illegal pirated copies of corn sold on the black market cost the state an estimated $600 million annually.
Fun factThe renowned University of Iowa Writers’ Workshop has produced some of America’s most notable and impressive rejection letters.
Kansas
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleAbortion: Legislators are considering comprehensive reforms to ensure pregnant teens have easy access to churches in their area.
Fun factSmith County is the geographical center of the continental United States temporarily, until the nation’s coastlines move further inland.
Kentucky
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleCoal Mining: Residents are still trying to figure out when this industry switched from one they were desperate to help their children escape to one they were desperate to keep in their state.
Fun factDue to rationing during World War II, the Kentucky Derby was run with pigs between 1941 and 1945.
Louisiana
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleGlobal Warming: Rising sea levels threaten to catalyze the invention of some sort of new boat-trolley hybrid that inebriated tourists will be able to both paddle and drive around New Orleans.
Fun factA single unending parade has been meandering through New Orleans’ streets since 1876.
Maine
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleDeforestation: Roughly 50,000 acres of Maine woods are harvested annually to become Stephen King’s newest manuscript.
Fun factThe discovery of the Goddard coin, a Norwegian silver coin dating back to 11th-century Viking explorers, is believed to be evidence of the state’s first functioning bed and breakfast.
Maryland
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleReviving Baltimore: The nation’s journalists remain at the ready to write a story on the success of the “Baltimore Model” as soon as it’s developed.
Biggest race in the stateGeorge W. Bush vs. Al Gore (U.S. President): Once again, no race will have a greater impact on the future than the 2000 presidential race.
Fun factInsidious Papist influence first infected our previously pristine Protestant nation when the Diocese of Baltimore was created in 1789.
Massachusetts
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleEnvironmental Protection: Activists are seeking to protect the fragile coastal ecosystem of Cape Cod, which contains one of the few remaining breeding grounds for the nation’s beleaguered Kennedy population.
Biggest race in the stateEleanor vs. The Sea (Deepest Affections): For Gloucester fisherman Joseph Horner, it remains unclear where his heart truly belongs.
Fun factThe site of 1770’s Boston Massacre is the nation’s only memorial to an instance when the authorities gunned down an unarmed black man.
Michigan
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleWhat Might Happen Next: Residents are plagued by the nagging doubt that poisoning thousands of its citizens might not have been the state’s rock bottom.
Fun factDetroit is the largest archeological site in the United States and once supported an ancient civilization of over 1 million people.
Minnesota
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleMinnie: Mrs. Carlson’s terrier mix, Minnie, has been missing since Friday! Have you seen her?
Biggest race in the stateKevin Williamson vs. Time (Love): In an electrifying, down-to-the-wire race, Kevin Williamson of Eden Prairie is racing across the state to stop his ex-girlfriend, Marlene, from marrying the wrong man.
Fun factMinnesota is known as the “Land Of 3,612 Lakes That Are Safe To Swim In.”
Mississippi
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleSeceding From The Union: Pretty much always on the table.
Fun factMississippi has the nation’s largest share of those who have almost saved enough money to get out of this town.
Missouri
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleWhat To Do: Between work and waking up the next morning, most Missourians just kind of stand around. The weekends are even worse.
Biggest race in the stateBarack Obama vs. Mitt Romney (U.S. President): Because of a few antiquated provisions in state law, Missouri experiences the United States’ presidencies eight years behind all the other states.
Fun factAn increasing obesity problem is putting considerable stress on the state’s southern border with Arkansas.
Montana
Most critical issue facing this state this election cyclePublic Safety: The many T. rex fossils found in the state raise the disturbing question: What chance do we have to survive?
Biggest race in the stateThe Crack Of A Wooden Door Against Its Frame On A Windy Night vs. The Claws Of The Old Grizzly At The Doorstep (The Long Night): Better get the kids in the basement and grab the gun, because either some nasty wind is rattling the front door back and forth, or that demon bear has come back to try to kill again.
Fun factThe state motto, “Oro y Plata,” which is Spanish for “Gold and Silver,” recognizes the importance of blue-collar work to the state and of having immigrants do it.
Nebraska
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleEconomy: Nebraska lives in a perpetual state of terror that people will stop liking corn.
Biggest race in the stateVarious Candidates (Cullman County School Board): Hundreds of thousands of Americans fighting for democracy apparently lost their lives for Gene Sullins, Heath Albright, and Wayne Myrex to waltz into the Dawson County School Board unopposed.
Fun factThere are no fun facts about Nebraska.
Nevada
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleFracking: Protestors are hopeful that anti-fracking restrictions will allow Nevada to remain the pristine desert hellscape that God intended it to be.
Fun factJoining in 1864, Nevada was the first uninhabitable state admitted to the Union.
New Hampshire
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleDrug Abuse: A statewide opiate epidemic is leading voters to weigh the prospect of making heroin even more illegal.
Fun factNew Hampshire has been known to switch places with Vermont when the rest of the nation isn’t looking.
New Jersey
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleInfrastructure: 34 percent of New Jersey’s bridges are no longer structurally sound enough for the state’s thousands of homeless people to sleep under.
Fun factBridgeton was recently listed by U.S. News as one of the places to live in America.
New Mexico
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleIllegal Immigration: The scourge of illegal aliens pouring across the Mexican border is more horrifying than any statistical evidence to the contrary.
Fun factBefore dropping atomic bombs on Japan, the U.S. Army tested the technology by bombing New Mexico, which promptly surrendered.
New York
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleUnemployment: A downturn in the economy has more and more New Yorkers scrambling to fill the relatively few positions as president of the United States.
Fun factNew York City was originally settled by Dutch skyscrapers.
North Carolina
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleImmigration: Anti-immigration groups have argued that Duke University is primarily responsible for the massive flow of fuckwads and dickbags into their state in recent decades.
Fun factDespite 10 seasons and multiple TV specials, there was never an episode of Columbo filmed in North Carolina.
North Dakota
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleLocation: The state’s residents, businesses, and cultural institutions continue to be severely hampered by their unfavorable location in North Dakota.
Biggest race in the stateDoug Burgum vs. Shelley Lenz (Governor): Who gives a shit? Click on another state.
Fun factThe official state beverage is a mixture of clear spring water, ammonium bisulfate runoff, formaldehyde, and several heavy metals.
Ohio
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleReligious Extremism: Large numbers of Ohioans have expressed unease about domestic cells of religious extremists tilling fields and raising barns near their neighborhoods.
Biggest race in the stateDonald Trump vs. Joe Biden (U.S. President): A perennial swing state with a large population of blue-collar voters, Ohio is the kind of place that makes pollster Dave McGrath remember why he got into this business in the first place.
Fun factEvery Ohioan lives within 150 miles of a better state.
Oklahoma
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleClimate Change: Residents are concerned that violent storms and tornadoes will become more prevalent due to the removal of the Ten Commandments monument from the statehouse.
Biggest race in the stateDeath Row Inmate vs. Lethal Injection Chemicals (Oklahoma State Penitentiary): Convicted murderer Leon Alan Rayburn’s respiratory and cardiovascular systems are currently locked in a tense and prolonged showdown with an experimental new blend of paralytics and barbiturates.
Fun factOklahoma City became the site of the country’s first parking meter in 1935, and shortly thereafter, the site of its first utterance of “Oh, give me a fucking break.”
Oregon
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleEnvironment: Some asshole keeps putting their trash out on the curb on the wrong day, and the raccoons are really having a field day in there.
Fun factOregon is known as the “Jewel of the Pacific Northwest” because no other state was using the name.
Pennsylvania
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleFracking: After betting it all on steel for the entire 20th century, the state is looking ahead to the next industry it can put all its eggs into for several generations.
Fun factAfter a historic run that saw the signing of the Declaration of Independence, the introduction of the first daily newspaper, and the Battle of Gettysburg, Pennsylvania officially retired from history in 1881.
Rhode Island
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleNomenclature: State residents are starting to realize that calling a water fountain a “bubbler” is making them look dumb.
Biggest race in the stateGrow By At Least 2,000 Square Miles vs. Stop Being A State (Statehood): The rest of the nation has had enough and decided that Rhode Island needs to stop kidding itself and at least triple in size or just give up this fucking charade and be absorbed into Connecticut already.
Fun factWhite privilege was created in Rhode Island during the first modern game of polo played near Newport in 1876.
South Carolina
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleNatural Disasters: The frequency of hurricanes and flooding in the state highlights the need to get some stuff worth protecting.
Biggest race in the stateYour Kind vs. Our Kind (Control Of This Country): It’s people like you who are ruining this country! We can’t afford any more of your crap, or this country’s going to go down the drain, plain and simple.
Fun factSouth Carolina was declared a UNESCO cultural heritage site in 1994 due to its diverse array of over 100 varieties of bigotry.
South Dakota
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleEnvironment: The South Dakota ecosystem has been devastated in recent years by the introduction of several strains of invasive boulders.
Fun factThere’s a good chance you’ll never have to go there in your life.
Tennessee
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleRain A-Comin’: Paw’s trick knee done say so.
Biggest race in the stateGerald Booker vs. Arlene Mays (Murfreesboro School Board): In a true political litmus test, this race is expected to come down to whether residents prefer Booker’s platform to ban health education or Mays’ platform to ban science education.
Fun factTennessee is known as “The Volunteer State” in recognition of the state’s shockingly low-wage jobs.
Texas
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleJose Martinez: Government officials estimate this 48-year-old Hispanic immigrant has singlehandedly taken 11,000 jobs from local citizens.
Biggest race in the stateHenry Falmouth vs Georgette Banks (Conroe School Board): The two candidates are engaged in a brutal battle over which version of the Bible should be taught in public schools.
Fun factTexas has the nation’s greatest number of citizens who wish Obama would just try to take their guns.
Utah
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleAlcohol: Lawmakers are in the midst of a heated debate over whether to lower the state’s drinking age to 45.
Fun factUtah is famous for being home to the flattest parking lot in the nation. The Best Buy in Orem is 0.000003⏥
Vermont
Most critical issue facing this state this election cyclePublic Health: Medical experts are advising all Vermont residents to check themselves for ticks once they get home.
Fun factMontpelier was selected as the state’s capital because there was already a statehouse there when settlers arrived.
Virginia
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleEnvironment: Rising global temperatures have made the sand on Virginia Beach next-to-unbearable to sit on.
Fun factVirginia peaked the earliest out of all 50 states.
Washington
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleLabor: Following a pay dispute at the station, Roz encourages Frasier to lead a strike, but will his ego get in the way?
Biggest race in the stateDebbie McVey vs. Ronald Starzinski (Benton County Schools): Incumbent McVey will go up against a challenger who must be fucking joking if he thinks he’s ready to roll with the big boys on the West Richland School Board.
Fun factWith an active volcano and the contiguous United States’ only rainforest, Washington sounds way cooler than it actually is.
West Virginia
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleStruggling Meth Industry: Cheaper, purer meth from Kentucky and Ohio continues to cost the state millions yearly.
Biggest race in the stateGood Old Days vs. Simpler Times (Reminiscing): Residents are seeking to determine which era they would like to make a return to.
Fun factWest Virginia was formed after residents decided to separate from the Confederate-aligned state of Virginia during the Civil War, forever cementing the state’s reputation as a beacon of racial tolerance and progressive thought.
Wisconsin
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleEducation: Lawmakers are arguing that lifetime jobs in the form of tenure are only for lawmakers.
Biggest race in the statePolitician Who Will Tell You The Truth vs. Politician Who Will Fight For Change (U.S. House District 7): Many voters are still undecided as to whether they will be voting for the politician who’s a straight talker or the politician who won’t give up until things are better.
Fun factWisconsin is the country’s largest producer of indigestion.
Wyoming
Most critical issue facing this state this election cycleThe Unknown: Economic crises, ecological disaster, and extreme weather are, in many ways, much less frightening in reality than the possibility that they could occur. Ultimately, the shrouded horizon of the future is more daunting than a calamity here and now.
Fun factWyoming is roughly the size of two states about half the size of Wyoming
