The Onion
Henry Kissinger: “Of course! Can I offer you anything to drink? Sparkling water out of a human skull? Iced tea out of a human skull?”
The Onion
Kissinger: “Other one.”
The Onion
Kissinger: “Despite my best efforts, yes.”
The Onion
Kissinger: “Yeah, I don’t know, I wish I could blame the banality of evil when operating within a system that is fundamentally built upon violence, but even given that context, I was doing some fucked-up shit.”
The Onion
Kissinger: “Well, maybe I wouldn’t be trying to firebomb you if you didn’t come at me with all of these provocative questions.”
The Onion
Kissinger: “I love Goop! Their pore tonic changed my life. Gwyneth and I dated in 2005.”
The Onion
Kissinger: “Every once in a while, when I have spare time, I’ll order a carpet bombing or mass slaughter.”
The Onion
Kissinger: “I would say at least 150,000 in Cambodia, about 200,000 in East Timor, over 40,000 in Chile, 30,000 in Argentina, between 300,000 and 500,000 in Bangladesh, and one today.”
The Onion
Kissinger: “Do not muzzle me. I’ll say as many words as I goddamn please, you communist.”
The Onion
Kissinger: “I regret not doing more of the killing myself. It’s one thing to order troops to do it, but it’s quite another to do it with your bare hands.”
The Onion
Kissinger: “What do you mean? It’s a television show. What are you talking about?”
The Onion
Kissinger: “I like cooking, painting, and measuring the skulls of little ethnic boys.”
The Onion
Kissinger: “Probably when I found out the ‘Life Is Good’ T-shirt man is based on me.”
The Onion
Kissinger: “Ooh, that’s a tough one. Probably Anthony Bourdain. No Reservations is my comfort show. He’s easy on the eyes, too.”
The Onion
Kissinger: “Hmm…mine always had a big red X on it.”
The Onion
Kissinger: “As Paul Dano’s character in Little Miss Sunshine once said, ‘Do what you love and fuck the rest.’”
The Onion
Kissinger: “Muammar Qaddafi. Pol Pot. Genghis Khan. And of course, Omarosa.”
The Onion
Kissinger: “Oh, please. I could never pick a least favorite.”
The Onion
Kissinger: “Though I’m demonized as some sort of monster, I’m actually much more evil than people would tell you.”
The Onion
Kissinger: “Whoever the top one is. I’m assuming that is still white, but I’m down for whatever.”
The Onion
Kissinger: “The bloody entrails of a screaming foreign child. Sorry, can’t humanize this guy!”
The Onion
Kissinger: “Well, I know the mainstream one everyone likes is what Israel is doing to the Palestinians, but my current favorite is the treatment of Uyghur Muslims in China. Or even Azerbaijan attacking Armenians, that one is so underground. There are a lot of genocides happening that people should check out.”
The Onion
Kissinger: “ChapStick, sunscreen, a defibrillator, adrenochrome, cashews in case I’m getting snacky, and a land mine. Don’t worry, it’ll only explode if you touch it.”
The Onion
Kissinger: “If I could do it all again, I would have emigrated somewhere other than the United States. For instance, I would have loved to shape St. Kitts into a genocidal superpower.”
The Onion
Kissinger: “Find the souls of those Cambodian children and finish the job.”
The Onion
Kissinger: “I was wondering what the hammer was for.”
The Onion
Kissinger: “Thank you for the kind words.”
The Onion
Kissinger: “Of course! I’m going to go die now.”
