Following Donald Trump’s indictment on federal charges for attempting to overturn the 2020 election, Mike Pence has made headlines as a potential witness for the prosecution. The Onion sits down with the former vice president to discuss his political principles.
The Onion
Pence: Saint Michael, the Archangel and Taxiarch, destined to do battle with Satan and slay the Great Dragon.
The Onion
Pence: I took up some hobbies and am really into DIY conversion therapy now.
The Onion
Pence: Prayer isn’t something you do. It’s just a word we Christians use to deflect blame.
The Onion
Pence: No. He always RSVPs yes to my parties and then texts me the day of with some lame excuse. It’s like, dude, just be honest and say You don’t want to come.
The Onion
Pence: Eeeeep!!!! Oh my gosh, do I look okay?
The Onion
Pence: Oh, I’m really a fan of any passage that validates my crimes against humanity.
The Onion
Pence: Yes, my daughters were born of seed my wife scraped off the sofa.
The Onion
Pence: [Speaks in tongues]
The Onion
Pence: I already announced that I am, but I don’t think the single balloon I bought for the occasion garnered enough attention.
The Onion
Pence: Don’t be so skeptical. There are a lot of religious nutjobs in this country frothing at the mouth to have a president who will execute anyone not following God’s laws.
The Onion
Pence: I staunchly believe I am the lumpiest and most chapped of the candidates.
The Onion
Pence: I think Republican voters will connect with the fact that just like them, Donald Trump doesn’t care if I live or die.
The Onion
Pence: The party right now has allowed too much influence from the “alt-right” and other extremists. The Republican party needs to get back to feigning respectability while supporting policies that are violently oppressive.
The Onion
Pence: I believe all will follow the Lord’s divine plan. So obviously it’s going to be Trump.
The Onion
Pence: I was eking out a living doing door-to-door baptisms.
The Onion
Pence: Are you kidding? I’m desperate. I have no standards or scruples or shame. I’d do it in a heartbeat.
The Onion
Pence: I would be one of the Lord’s most devoted apostles, shooting up any mosque or synagogue or Planned Parenthood He asked me to.
The Onion
Pence: The Chinese are quite mysterious, as little is written about them in either the New or Old Testament.
The Onion
Pence: My faith forbids men from singing.
The Onion
Pence: Christian Home Videos Presents: How To Resist Your Urges
The Onion
Pence: I’m a Carrie, obviously.
The Onion
Pence: Yes. I’m living, breathing proof that if your ambitions in show business don’t work out, you’ll always have a place as a psychotic right-wing politician.
The Onion
Pence: Twice daily Crest head-whitening strips.
The Onion
Pence: Three, maybe four.
