‘The Onion’ Promises Russian Oil Will Remain Available In ‘The Onion’ Store

NEW YORK—Pledging to keep supplies line open in the face of reckless choices by Western leaders, The Onion released a statement Tuesday promising that Russian oil would remain available in its company store. “In response to the international community’s brash actions banning Russia’s petroleum exports, we want to again reassure our customers that a pipeline of its high-quality oil will continue to flow unabated from our company store,” the statement read in part, reiterating that for a mere $500 per barrel, customers could purchase petroleum in single or dozen barrel allotments from The Onion while shopping for a hat, T-shirt, or mug. “Whatever your stance on the continuing conflict in Ukraine, we all have to heat our homes and get to work. That’s why millions of you depend on The Onion’s store to cut out the middleman in dealing with petrostates. And today only, use the code ‘GAZPROM’ to get free shipping!” The statement concluded by noting that for every hundred barrels ordered, The Onion would throw in a free copy of The Onion Magazine: The Iconic Covers That Transformed An Undeserving World.