‘The Onion’ Looks Back On Tom Brady’s Career As The New England Patriots All-Time Greatest Kisser

Published:

March 18, 2020

Confiscated Patriots Videotapes Contain Extensive Footage Of Tom Brady Showering

Cryptic Bill Belichick Insists He’s Never Heard Of A Man Named Tom Brady

Female Fans Out For Season With Tom Brady’s Knee Injury

Eli Manning Wins Biggest Game Of Tom Brady’s Life

Patriots’ Season Perfect For Rest Of Nation

Hush Falls Over Patriots Camp As Tom Brady’s First 10 Passes Go 3 Yards

Tom Brady Clearly Receiving Preferential Treatment From NFL

Tom Brady: ‘I’d Have Booed Us Too, But Patriots Fans Are Still Ungrateful Front-Running Shitheads’

Area Man Wonders What Gisele Bundchen And Tom Brady Talk About

Unscathed Tom Brady Walks Away From Car Crash In Slow Motion

After Watching Tom Brady Highlight, Every Man, Woman, And Child In America Dreams Of Love

Massachusetts Evacuated To Prevent Any Contact With Tom Brady’s Knee

Tom Brady: ‘Joe Montana Sucks And I Am Better Than Him’

Nation Can’t Wait To Hear Patriots Fans’ Excuses This Time

Nation Prepares For Long Week Of Seeing Photos Of Tom Brady Lifting Super Bowl Trophy

Resilient Tom Brady Critics Already Looking Ahead To Next Season

Tom Brady Keeps Referring To Self As ‘Golden Boy’ While Denying Cheating Allegations

Roger Goodell Vows To Punish Whoever Responsible For Suspending Tom Brady

Tom Brady Haunted By Destroyed Cell Phone Ringing Beneath Floorboards

Panicking Tom Brady Unable To Stop Smirking Since Suspension Overturned

Patriots Hoping Emaciated Tom Brady Will End Hunger Strike Over Suspension Appeal In Time For Training Camp

Tom Brady Dedicates Patriots’ Victory To America’s Cold-Blooded Goliaths

Roger Goodell Dumps Box With Broken Pieces Of Lombardi Trophy In Front Of Tom Brady

Brandin Cooks Receives Call From Tom Brady Saying How Excited He Is To Be Tom Brady

Tom Brady Applies Eye Black To Crow’s Feet

Embarrassed Health Guru Informs Tom Brady He’s Been Mistakenly Following Toxic Diet Regimen

Tom Brady Admits To Playing With Matt Ryan’s Chip On Shoulder

Tom Brady Unfazed By Completely Detached Right Hand

Tom Brady Reveals That Humanity Will Perish Long Before He Retires

Aging Tom Brady Decides To Conserve Energy By No Longer Returning Kicks

Tom Brady Feeling Guilty After Gorging Self On Full Order Of Kansas-City-Style Tap Water

‘No God, Please Not Now,’ Yells Rapidly Aging Tom Brady As Old Crone’s Spell Begins To Wear Off During Super Bowl

‘This One Means The Least Of All,’ Says Tom Brady Accepting Super Bowl Trophy

Patriots Bring Up Young Rookie From Practice Squad To Provide Fresh Blood For Tom Brady

Tom Brady: ‘I Want To Thank All The Insufferable New England Fans For Giving Me A Reason To Get The Hell Out Of Here’

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