From Mikan to Mike, Baylor to LeBron, the NBA has given a stage to dozens of transcendent athletes whose legacies still resonate and inspire today. As the Finals approach, The Onion looks back at the greatest players to ever take the court.
Michael Jordan
The famously competitive Jordan once dunked on 6-foot-1 John Stockton and, when a fan yelled “Pick on someone your own size,” came back down the court and murdered the fan.
LeBron James
Having already won championships with the Miami Heat and Cleveland Cavaliers, this 16-time NBA All-Star only has to win trophies for 28 more teams to prove he’s the greatest player of all time.
Bill Russell
The 11-time champion’s unprecedented accomplishments are only slightly diminished by the historical fact that most of his NBA opponents looked like Brian Dennehy.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
Revolutionized the league after successfully suing the NBA Board of Governors to allow dunking.
Wilt Chamberlain
Legend has it that Chamberlain slept with almost 20,000 of his opponents.
Larry Bird
This famous trash talker always backed up what he said, once shooting a three-pointer in Patrick Ewing’s face before declaring, “I will retire having scored 21,791 points.”
Karl Malone
Over two decades, “The Mailman” delivered hard-nosed play combined with—haha, no, no, he’s not on this list but we had you, didn’t we?
Tim Duncan
A model of consistency who scored exactly 19 points, grabbed 11 rebounds, and dished four assists every single game in his career.
Magic Johnson
His 13 seasons and four championships with the Los Angeles Lakers earned him just enough capital to finally pursue his lifelong goal of opening a chain of movie theaters.
James Naismith
Naismith enjoyed unprecedented dominance of basketball that would never again be achieved during the two-week window between him inventing the sport and him teaching it to someone else.
Patrick Ewing
One the most dominant big men to ever play the game, but he will always be haunted by never winning the Super Bowl.
Hakeem Olajuwon
This Rockets star and former MVP still operates a big-man camp today where he inspires a new generation of 7-footers to shoot 10 three-pointers a game.
Charles Barkley
His career took off after demanding a trade from the Philadelphia 76ers in 1992, which kicked off the ongoing, 30-year process.
Kobe Bryant
Former teammates marvel about how they can still hear his voice whispering down and telling them what useless pieces of shit they are.
