Texas residents are currently experiencing temperatures of up to 120 degrees Fahrenheit as a result of an extended “heat dome” hovering over the state. The Onion asked Texans how they felt about the deadly weather, and this is what they said.
Cody Phipps, Rancher
“I’m checking on my guns every couple of hours to make sure they’re safe and comfortable.”
Frank MacNamara, Electrician
“Have we tried nicely asking the Jews to turn it off?”
Mike Sheppard, Warden
“If prisoners didn’t want to suffer a deadly heat wave without AC, they shouldn’t have committed nonviolent offenses in a society with a corrupt justice system.”
Mark Molyneux, Heatstroke Victim
“Ah, it ain’t that hot out.”
Anthony Carpati, AC Technician
“Now I am the one who holds the noose. It is I who decides who lives and who dies.”
Carrie Thatcher, EMT
“We recommend that if you have to be homeless, you do it indoors.”
Russell Watson, Deputy Sheriff
“Just tell me who I need to shoot to make it stop.”
Ted Cruz, U.S. Senator
“A damn shame how few migrants it’s killed.”
Jenna Wheelan, Cashier
“With the risk this heat wave poses to pregnant women, it’s the most abortion access we’ve had in years.”
Jerry Weans, Florist
“This is all because Target allowed nonbinary kids to read books or whatever we were mad about.”
Eric Samson, Musician
“Good thing you can’t die from being too hot.”
Joseph Moore, Car Dealership Owner
“I like to run around in a circle to create a cool breeze.”
Andrew Lewis, Border Patrol
“We’ve done our part to make this land inhospitable to people, and God is meeting us halfway.”
Adrian Delgado, Security Guard
“I just called the power company, and they assured me death is imminent.”
Walter Quinn, Construction Worker
“I don’t see why I should have to answer any questions from a giant talking bottle of ice cold water.”
Macy Caldero, Food Truck Owner
“Could you please call an ambulance?”
Darren Woods, CEO Of ExxonMobil
“Stay cool out there!”
