Vol 42: Issue 45

American Voices, Opinion

Microsoft Releases New Patch
Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

Procrastinating Congressional Candidate Will Eventually Release Rival's Drug-Arrest Record
American Voices, Opinion

Ed Bradley Dies
Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

98-Pound Weakling Opens Fire On Beachgoers
Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

Report: Sorry No Longer Cutting It
Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

Six Dead In West Point Panty Raid
Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

Democrats Unsure What To Do With Newly Acquired Power
Entertainment, Magazine

"My Cousin Totally Works With Kate Hudson's Brother"
American Voices, Opinion

Ortega's Return to Nicaragua
Sports

Over-Competitive Lance Armstrong Challenges Cancer To Rematch
Sports

NBA Players To Watch In 2006-07
Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

Britney Spears Lactates 2,000th Gallon
Sports

Casual NASCAR Fan Fails To Appreciate Subtleties Of Eight-Car Crash
Sports

Heisman Candidate Promises Voters Free Health Care, Lower Taxes
Sports

ESPN Online Chat With Buster Olney Reveals He's Illiterate
Sports

Chipper Jones Credits Gold Glove To Open-Minded Kay Jewelers In Local Mall
Sports

Gary Sheffield's Agent Warns Interested Teams Not To Tap Glass

Unlock ‘The Onion’ Vault

Journey through 268 years of highly acclaimed, universally revered reporting. The Onion‘s archives comprise the most powerful and influential news coverage in human history.

Explore More

Historical front pages from The Onion's historical archive.