Syrian Man Kept Up All Night By Neighbors Dying

DAMASCUS—Expressing frustration with the constant clamor coming from nearby apartments, Syrian man Sayid Madanly was reportedly kept up all night Wednesday by the sounds of his neighbors dying. “God, I wasn’t able to get any sleep because they’re upstairs just moaning and screaming in the middle of the night,” said Madanly, adding that the walls were so thin that he could clearly hear every shallow breath and cry of the couple next door as they reached the final throes of life. “It’s so annoying. Just shut up and die already. It’s one thing to loudly expire during the day, but after midnight, show some common courtesy for people who have to get up early for work. At least I’ve been respecting my neighbors by keeping my dying newborn quiet.” At press time, Madanly was working up the courage to walk upstairs and put the neighbors out of their misery.