WASHINGTON—The United States Supreme Court was rocked by tragedy Thursday when the judicial branch’s longtime sidekick, Kid Justice, was brutally murdered by the nefarious Dr. Contempto.
Kid Justice, who sources confirmed was the alter ego of mild-mannered Supreme Court fellow Jimmy Randall, reportedly vaulted through the air and intercepted a missile launched by Dr. Contempto in mid-flight, selflessly sacrificing his life to save Chief Justice John Roberts from certain death.
“We are saddened to report that, at approximately 11:35 a.m., Washington’s beloved Kid Justice was pronounced dead,” said D.C. Chief of Police Seamus O’Herlihy. “The missile that struck the teen guardian was more powerful than the Diamontium skin that had protected him from so many other blows, and his powers—encyclopedic memory of Constitutional law and a deep, abiding belief in the U.S. court system—proved to be of no use against the sinister Dr. Contempto.”
After crawling out of a smoldering crater, Chief Justice Roberts reportedly discovered the young sidekick’s motionless body sprawled on a pile of rubble. According to sources, Kid Justice died several minutes later, cradled in the arms of Roberts, who threw his head back and screamed an ear-splitting “Noooooo!”
Several witnesses confirmed that Contempto reacted to the heroic teen’s death with deep, hearty laughter before fleeing the scene by atomic hovercraft and sneering, “Habeus Corpses, Supreme Court!”
Thursday’s deadly skirmish began outside the Supreme Court Building, popularly known as the Justice Chambers, when continuing arguments in the case of Horne v. Department of Agriculture (No. 12-123) were interrupted by an aerial invasion by Contempto and his fleet of sky-skimming Obstructrons.
“We assumed it was another of Contempto’s schemes to hypnotize the Legislative Branch into checking our power,” Justice Breyer told reporters as he helped clear debris from the courtroom. “Little did we suspect it was a cunning diversion for his actual plan. Few of our adversaries are as devious, or as dangerous, as the great scourge Dr. Contempto.”
Contempto, who was known as scientist Wade Walters before losing a landmark eminent-domain case that forced closure of his laboratory, had long vowed that the Supreme Court would suffer for their insolence, but never succeeded in permanent injury to the deliberative body until Thursday’s showdown.
The deranged genius has attempted to destroy the Supreme Court dozens of times since the prima facie clash in 1987, introducing anti-jurisprudence viruses to the building’s water supply, and the notorious incident of replacing several justices with robot duplicates during the 2000 election crisis.
A preemptive sortie of Court-launched Docket Rockets reportedly caused little damage to Contempto, but bought time, allowing the justices to change into their fighting robes and charge the crystalline gavels that provide them with their superhuman judicial powers. A lengthy and spectacular fight up and down the steps of the Supreme Court Building followed, filled with explosive punches, blasts with optical beams, and protracted oral arguments.
“We searched for Contempto for several hopeless minutes, but he had cloaked himself behind a fog of legal ambiguity,” Justice Elena Kagan said. “Fortunately, Justice Thomas hoisted his gavel and shouted a writ of venire facias, forcing him to appear before the Court.”
Contempto reportedly immobilized several justices with a high-energy Deadlock Ray, halting all judicial activity in its path and preventing the deliberative body from moving forward in any capacity. Contempto then revealed his coup de grace in the form of a medium-yield tritonium missile that was fired directly at Roberts.
While Justices Sotomayor, Breyer, and Scalia writhed and spoke very slowly under the ray’s power, Kid Justice thwarted the attack by throwing himself into the deadly weapon’s path.
The tragic event marks the first death of a sitting sidekick in Supreme Court history, and the first murder of a Court member since the 1996 time-travel incident during which Justice Antonin Scalia was killed by Stephen Douglas but replaced with Universe-H Scalia.
“Jimmy was the best sidekick any court could have asked for,” said Justice Kennedy, expressing the majority opinion. “He stood with us against history’s most depraved and villainous superlawyers: amoral shysters like Purple Plaintiff, horrific mutations like AdvoCat and Liti-Gator, and disfigured grotesques like Objectionable and No Appeal. There will never be another Jimmy, even if one day a Kid Justice II is appointed.”
The Supreme Court has since issued an 8-1 decision ruling that Dr. Contempto will pay.
