WASHINGTON, DC—By an 8-1 vote Monday, the members of the U.S. Supreme Court collectively resolved to lose their virginity by Dec. 31, 2002.
“Whereas neither this judicial body, nor the bodies of any of its nine members, has ever been touched in an intimate manner, it is wholly appropriate for us to become men and women via acts of sexual congress, and this on a deadline described by the completion of the year 2002,” wrote Justice Anthony Kennedy, voicing the majority opinion. “The only caveat is: There are no caveats.”
The pact was first proposed on Oct. 23, when Kennedy and Justice Antonin Scalia were bullied by a coalition of prominent congressional jocks led by Sen. Jim Bunning (R-KY).
“The legislators in question were stepping on our robes and coughing the word ’fag’ and carrying out a variety of other acts that, while not unconstitutional, would unequivocally be construed as mean,” Kennedy said. “The final straw came when Sen. Susan Collins (R-ME) told me she thought I was cute and said to meet her at the Jefferson Memorial dressed as a cowboy so we could make out.”
After complying with Collins’ request, Kennedy was ambushed and pelted with eggs by several assailants, including Collins herself, who walked off holding hands with Rep. Tom Osborne (R-NE).
“She laughed and said, ’So long, virgin! Have a nice night with Mr. Right Hand,’” Kennedy said. “After that, I decided I’d had enough. It was time to take action.”
The court decided to move forward with the pact later that evening when, during a late-night bonding session, Chief Justice William Rehnquist admitted to being a virgin—shattering longtime perceptions that he is the worldliest and most experienced member of the court.
“Hearing that Big Willie had never buried the gavel was a key turning point,” Justice David Souter said. “It opened up our eyes and made us see how we were not alone, after all. After a period of deliberation, we arrived at a majority opinion that if we all worked together, we could overcome our nervousness and actually get laid.”
“Hey, everybody!” Souter added. “We’re all gonna get laid!”
The lone dissenting vote, cast by Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, came as a surprise to many, given her long track record of defending personal liberties. Washington Post judicial reporter James Klingler theorized that the vote may represent an attempt on Ginsburg’s part to prevent Scalia from coupling with another woman.
“I’m not at liberty to name names, but a certain Supreme Court justice recently informed me that Ginsburg confided in her that she ’totally loves’ Scalia,” Klingler said. “This, I believe, is the reason she voted against the pact. But while, on its surface, this pact would seem to drive Ginsburg and Scalia further apart, it may well be the very thing that brings them together. Perhaps during a particularly long and difficult get-laid strategy session, Justice Ginsburg will remove her glasses and rub her tired eyes, prompting Justice Scalia to finally see the beautiful woman beneath that hard liberal exterior.”
The first major test case for the pact will take place this weekend at a Judicial Branch/Daughters of the American Revolution mixer, which Justice John Paul Stevens said will be attended by some “really slutty girls” he knows from law school.
“Under penalty of perjury, I swear to God, there is this one chick who is completely hot for Souter,” Stevens said. “She personally attested to this fact during a conversation I recently overheard that I am not at liberty to discuss in any detail. Saturday is his night, man.”
Subsequent opportunities are expected to arise at a pool party Supreme Court Marshal Pamela Talkin is slated to throw at the Alexandria Radisson over Thanksgiving break, as well as at the Judicial Branch Big Beach Bonfire on Dec. 14.
Stephen “Pee-Wee” Breyer, the most recently sworn-in justice, reported being nervous about the impending virginity loss. A close confidant, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that a trembling Breyer recently asked him, “Gee, getting it on with a real girl—what do I do?”
Not all of the justices admit to being so nervous, however. Asked to assess his prospects for losing his virginity within the next two months, a confident Scalia lifted his judicial robe and quipped, “Res ipsa loquitur.”
