Supreme Court Casually Mentions Nation Now Divided Into Six Provinces Ruled By Conservative Justices

WASHINGTON—In a tangential footnote appended to its 6-3 decision in West Virginia v. Environmental Protection Agency, the Supreme Court casually declared Thursday that the nation had been divided into six provinces, each of which would be ruled by a Republican-appointed justice. “The court hereby decrees that the six justices joining in this opinion will occupy six thrones from which they will reign over the lands once known as the United States,” Chief Justice John Roberts wrote for the majority, adding that while each province would constitute an independent, absolute monarchy, the realms would nonetheless form a loose confederation and military alliance capable of crushing any rebellion daring to challenge the six new sovereigns. “Nowhere in the Constitution do we find language that specifically forbids the establishment of Gorsuchonia, which now stretches from North Dakota to Ohio, or Alitostan, which encompasses much of the Eastern Seaboard. Nor did our Founders put any mechanisms in place that explicitly state the Supreme Court justices cannot exercise complete control over the lives of their subjects.” At press time, His Imperial Majesty Brett of the House Kavanaugh had named himself emperor following a 1-5 decision to usurp all six thrones.