When summer rolls around, everybody wants that perfect tan—but it’s important to play it smart. Here are some tips for safe, sensible tanning:
Block out harmful UV rays with giant magnifying glass.
Always sit at least 100 yards from sun.
When applying sunscreen, get children on the beach to help with those hard-to-reach spots.
UV rays can damage the corneas; don’t forget to rub a good sunscreen into your eyes.
Risk of sunburn is especially high while swimming; strap on a thick lead suit before entering water.
Instead of using our sun, sunbathe using safer, more distant star like Beta-Sirius.
When tanning, always alternate who’s on top.
Before going outside, check sun’s strength by placing test baby in driveway for 1/2 hour.
Avoid harmful UV rays; live underground until your descendants evolve into eyeless, albino mole people.
Stabbings, while tanning or not, are very dangerous—avoid them.
For those raised in a red-sun environment, yellow sun may cause superpowers; use only for good.
Tanning is safest when done in short spurts; disrobe for just a couple of seconds every few blocks while walking through town.
Allow thick, protective melanoma to grow all over skin.
Avoid suntanning on inner planets like Mercury and Venus.
