U.S. Navy nuclear engineer Jonathan Toebbe and his wife, Diana, were recently charged with selling classified intelligence regarding America’s nuclear submarines to an undercover FBI agent posing as a foreign operative. The Onion shares the top secrets that the engineer was attempting to sell.
The locations of all 515 secret U.S. military ponds.
Codes to authorize immediate missile touch-up painting.
Nude submarine photos.
A mnemonic device for easily remembering all five oceans.
Intelligence that submarines are vulnerable to holes that let in water.
Design models for theoretical land submarine.
Faded old blueprint titled “For Use On Pearl Harbor.”
The bathroom code at the Naval Base San Diego gift shop.
Gruesome photos of Navy SEALs executing a baby mermaid.
Business card for engineer’s espionage service in case foreign power wants to refer friend.
