Study: More Parents Opting For One Big Baby Over Multi-Child Household

HYATTSVILLE, MD—In what has emerged as an increasingly popular parenting option, a new study released Wednesday by the National Center for Health Statistics has found that more parents are declining to have multiple children in favor of having just one big baby and stopping there. “Many of the parents surveyed realized they were better suited to care for a single giant newborn rather than trying to raise to two or more standard-sized kids born over a period of several years,” said study co-author Martin Graywolf, citing data that showed the trend was often favored by parents who grew up in large families and were never able to command the same attention as a lone, massive infant that grows larger and larger by the day and causes the entire house to shake when clapping its hands in delight. “While one enormous baby can consume the same quantity of resources needed to keep six or seven regular children alive—requiring pounds of food to be shoveled into its screaming mouth almost hourly, not to mention specialty diapers—parents seem to be motivated less by household finances and more by the opportunity to give all their affection to an ungainly, towering only child. Overall, parents said they were grateful for the uninterrupted quality time, which they mostly used to keep their colossal infant’s elephantine hands from destroying their home, to mop up its spittle, and to operate the forklift required to tuck it into bed.” At press time, a competing report contradicted the study’s findings by predicting more millennial parents would opt for having dozens of miniature children they could conveniently keep in their pockets as they go about their days.