PRINCETON, NJ—According to a study published Monday in The New England Journal Of Medicine, the human brain is capable of wondrous, awe-inspiring things while an individual is masturbating.
The Princeton University study, in which researchers monitored the neural activity of 500 volunteers during sexual self-stimulation, found that regardless of age, gender, ethnicity, or level of formal education, masturbation taps into a grand and virtually limitless scope of imagination within a person’s mind.
“Whether the subject was visualizing uninhibited intercourse with a coworker on the floor of an office or fervid oral sex from a friend’s sibling, our study concluded that during masturbation, even the most feeble and limited mind is able to create amazingly detailed, fantastical worlds,” said Dr. Alan Saunders, head of the Princeton Neuroscience Institute. “Take the case of a 42-year-old mechanic who showed absolutely no artistic inclinations during our preliminary cognitive tests. Through the simple act of masturbation, he was suddenly able to picture in detail an attractive young woman he saw on the bus that morning—a complete stranger, mind you—and imagine her in his bedroom enthusiastically ripping off her clothes and straddling his body.”
“It was extraordinary,” Saunders added.
Saunders explained that masturbation causes activity in the medial prefrontal cortex of the brain to spike to astronomical levels, significantly increasing one’s ability to paint lavish mental imagery and devise exquisite, multifaceted scenarios of sexual conquest.
“Simply put, while masturbating, the typical person exhibits a creative aptitude so extravagant and breathtaking it resembles the visionary artistry of a Picasso or Beethoven,” Saunders said. “In one of our clinical trials, within seconds of stimulating her clitoris with a forefinger, a 26-year-old female financial analyst conjured a clear image of actor Tom Hardy slowly thrusting his erect penis into her body as she ran her fingers across his bare chest. Hardy then morphed into her college history professor Dr. Corvin before sudden, hyperrealistic flashes of muscular arms, six-pack abs, and toned buttocks began racing through her mind in rapid succession, at which point she reached climax.”
Saunders said that with such high levels of activity in the brain’s frontal and temporal lobes, a male subject can at one moment be having anal sex with Kate Upton above the covers of his bed, and in the next be transported through the very fabric of space-time to 17th-century France, where he can bathe with seven nameless handmaidens in the bathtub of an opulent mansion. In several cases, volunteers in the study even managed to mentally implant themselves into totally computer-generated virtual worlds where they participated in vast, bacchanalian orgies with every female character from the Tekken video-game franchise.
“In one of the highest recorded levels of synaptic activity, a 54-year-old locksmith vividly imagined himself in his high school library beneath the undulating body of Stacey Gellers, a classmate he had a crush on in the ninth grade,” Saunders said. “Remarkably, he was then able to alter the setting to the bathroom of his local coffee shop, where he was standing against a wall and vigorously penetrating the café’s blond barista, whose name he doesn’t even know, as she moaned with pure ecstasy and screamed for him to go faster, faster, harder.”
Saunders predicted that if scientists could somehow isolate the biological trigger that allows one’s imagination to delve into such magnificent detail during masturbation, everyday people could make extraordinary contributions not only to the creative arts, but also to medicine, physics, mathematics, and engineering.
“There’s no telling what magnificent intellectual achievements would be possible if we could somehow artificially control the part of the brain that allows the average 31-year-old postal worker to imagine being fellated by his next-door neighbor’s teenage daughter before he ejaculates onto the bare breasts of Princess Jasmine from the 1992 Disney animated film Aladdin,” Saunders said. “It’s absolutely astonishing what one’s mind is capable of while simply rubbing one’s own genitalia.”
Despite the amazing neurological feats exhibited during masturbation, Saunders did stress that upon reaching orgasm, the average human’s creative capacity immediately declines to the level of an ordinary rodent.
