Study Finds Women 32% More Likely To Die After Surgery Performed By Male Janitor

NEW YORK—Shedding light on the stark disparities female patients face in the healthcare system, a Columbia University study published Monday found that women are 32% more likely to die after a surgery performed by a male janitor. “Sadly, many women in our country’s hospitals don’t receive proper care from male janitors who happen to notice a doctor’s overcoat hanging up outside the empty operating room, shrug, and throw it over their stained coveralls before heading inside,” said lead researcher Alison Reiss, adding that the mere fact of their gender often results in women dying on the operating table as the custodian puts aside his broom, picks up a scalpel and starts randomly slicing away at their unconscious body. “Nurses might try to intervene by knocking at the door and asking if everything is alright. But the overconfidence of these male sanitation workers means they’re less likely to admit their mistakes than to simply exclaim, ‘oh—everything’s fine, just cleaning up a bit of a spill in here!’ while frantically consulting a nearby anatomy poster. Many don’t even have the decency to swap out their yellow gloves for a clean pair before shoving their hands into an open chest cavity and feeling around. It’s deplorable, really.” The study went on to conclude that most such male janitors were able to conceal their missteps by innocently whistling their way out of the room while mopping up the substantial pools of blood they had spilled.