Study Finds Snow Leopards Lead Solitary Lifestyle Because They’re Arrogant Bastards Who Think They’re Better Than Everybody Else

PITTSBURGH—Revealing how the big cats came to be such solitary creatures, researchers at Carnegie Mellon University published a study Monday that concluded snow leopards avoid engaging in social behaviors because they’re arrogant bastards who think they’re better than everybody else. “According to our findings, snow leopards primarily reside in mountainous terrain just so they can look down on everyone else from their lofty place up on high,” said Professor James York, adding that he and his team of zoologists had consistently observed members of the Panthera uncia species being “total assholes” as they lorded their status as apex predators over every other animal in their Central Asian habitat. “It’s unclear when snow leopards evolved this trait, but evidence suggests the attitude may be attributable to feelings of insecurity over their smallish heads and large black spots, which a rival species may once have made fun of them for. What we do know is they’re really difficult to be around and mostly communicate with each other through snide chuffs and grunts. Honestly, just look at a picture of one sometime—you tell by their eyes they think they’re hot shit.” The study builds on related research published last year in which biologists confirmed sea lions will dive to depths of more than 300 meters just to escape the sound of your voice.