Study Finds Murders Rose By Slower Rate In 2021 Thanks To The Brilliant Work Of Inspector Marcele Lachance

WASHINGTON—Confirming that a historic spike in violent crime was beginning to subside, a study from Georgetown University released Friday found that murders rose at a slower rate in 2021 thanks in large part to the brilliant work of Inspector Marcele Lachance. “Our analytics show a 15% drop in the rate of homicides as compared to this time last year which can be almost entirely attributed to the flamboyant Québécois detective whose recovery of a priceless necklace in the Harrington Matter of ’09 earned him the honorific ‘The Sleuth of Saguenay’ and gained him audiences with dignitaries from the Queen of England to His Holiness the Pope,” said lead author Philip Hines, noting that their data indicate the mere news that the gumshoe who had sent the notorious Eighth Street Bomber to prison was on the case had led to an immediate decrease in armed robberies and arsons. “We can see the violent crime rate plateau beginning in early March, when the Chief of Police visited Lechance at the turkey farm on his small country estate and convinced him to come out of retirement. Since then, the rate has steadily gone down, to the point where now homicides on transatlantic rail voyages, ocean liners, and island mansions have dropped to virtually zero, and we expect it to reduce even further once the criminal underworld fully realizes that Lachance’s rumpled jacket, trimmed mustache, and propensity to mumble to himself in French, as well as his weakness for high-quality pipe tobacco and Scottish whiskey, belies the most dogged and unerring crime-solving genius of our time.” Hines added that their research also indicated the rate of nonviolent offenses such as burglary and counterfeiting had continued to fall over the past three years due to the photographic memories and quick wits of the Jenkins twins and their lovable mutt Scamp.